Hmmmm. That reminds me...

When I asked for funny stories that let us laugh at ourselves, Wreckse mentioned Motley Crue-ish handcuffs. So I went looking for pictures so you could see what he meant. Well, it is an excuse to put up a picture of the best album cover known to man (well, me). If you look just above the studded hip belt, you will see the handcuffs attached to a belt. However, we po' kids attached them to the two front loops on our jeans. I usually included some chains every now and then. It is hard to see, but the hand holding onto the one cuff has a ring like one I used to wear. I used to wear skulls, grim reapers, and other scary rings (all of which had to be silver).
Here is a somewhat recent picture of Mr. Sixx. This one displays his artwork. I like tattoos, but maybe not that many. I think he needs to grow his hair back a bit more, though. :)

Music Time

Don't worry, I'm not going to hammer your ears with metal. Believe it or not I have varied tastes. I have an interest in jazz. Not a very knowledgeable interest, but one, nonetheless. I like old-school jazz, none of that Kenny G crap. Our area has a decent part time jazz station (shared with classical music-another one of my "likes") at Temple University. I watched a movie this evening that made me want to listen to some jazz, so I thought I'd share.

Ummmm...think we need to be a bit hardcore these days, eh?

Apparently, our National Guardsmen have been overrun at the border. Damnit! The failure of our ability to allow ourselves proper security is alarming. I'll add one more emotion to my list, today--pissed!

Of course our country's main concern right now is the Donald vs Rosie debate and any other thing that can keep the media from focusing on our country and our concerns overseas. Ugh.

IDEA BOX

Right now, I am about as stressed as I have ever been. I have had the same dull headache for about three or four days, I'm in knots, and in a persistent teary-eyed state. (Sorry to kill your buzz) I need some fun ideas on how to reduce my stress level; afterall, I have to prep for next week and begin teaching on Monday.

With that said, what do you do to relieve stress?

DOUBLE WHAMMY OF GOODNESS!

I had two fortune cookies tonight. Trust me, with these two fortunes combined, my life can't help but be good!

Fortune 1: God looks after you especially.

Fortune2: You will always get what you want through your charm and personality.

Woo hoo!

Laughter

I need to laugh. This blog is usually my comfort zone away from "life" stuff. I want to do something fun, but I don't really feel like finding anything. I will share a funny story about me and I hope you do the same. If you can't laugh at yourself, you've got issues. :)

My story: I used to be a mall rat. One crowded Saturday afternoon I was walking with a guy I really, really, really liked in my very teenage, I can't live without him, way. As we were walking I kept constant eye contact as he talked to me. Unfortunately, that meant turning my head to the side. Even more unfortunately, as we walked, I walked smack into a support pillar for the mall. Yeah. I turned eighty shades of red. Turned out he was an awful kisser and we were doomed from the start.

Your turn!

LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Today, we buried my grandmother. During the viewing, before the service, I had the opportunity to sit and reflect. I kept finding myself looking back in my mind always sitting next to her on the couch and listening to her. She would tell me all the family dirt, she'd give me advice, she'd tell me she was proud, she would always have a kiss and a hug for me. These were all constants from the time I could climb up on the couch next to her. I'd always sit to her left. I'd always have a soda, and I'd always sit waiting, eagerly, to hear what she had to say (unless, of course, talk turned to me wanting to be lawyer). There will never be another grandmom in my life. There will never be one like her for me to sit and listen to. I'll never taste her Christmas cookies again and I'll never be able to listen to her laugh, or listen to her whistle, or hear her sing Scottish ditties. I'll never feel her soft hands hold mine, or feel her kiss on my cheek. This is what I thought of today as we buried my grandmother.

Of great comfort to me today were those that told me how proud my grandmom was of me and that they knew how close I was with my grandmom. That meant a lot to me.

I realize today is about my grandmother and not about me, and I hope I don't come across as too self-absorbed. There was love wrapped into all of those things my grandmom and I did together and I wanted to share them.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Be good to yourselves. I hope the next year finds us all healthy and living well.

It is good to be Scottish!

In honor of my grandmom...

Auld Lang Syne
by Robert Burns
(1759-1796)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu'd the gowans fine;
But we've wandered mony a weary fit
Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught

For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Breathe.....

I saw this picture and thought....everything I'm experiencing right now will be taken care of one day at a time, no matter how heart-wrenching or headache-inducing. It is usually the time of year I beat myself up for not doing what I'd set out to do. It is the time of year I sink as low as I can get and just feel sorry for myself. I've decided not to do that this year. I'm going to challenge myself and you all...we should believe in ourselves and our potential. We should see things that need changing and have the mental fortitude to change them. We should love those we love and those who would mean us harm...God will take care of; afterall, He doesn't like ugly. So if you're feeling a little down and stressed, take a nap, and then take a good long look at what you need to do to love yourself and those around you more...or at least show it. Don't end up like the little kittie in the picture. I need my friends and I need you all to be healthy in every way possible. :)

Update: That bottle of wine I've had unopened for about a month...it is now open. I did a good job...it is yummy. I should've bought beer. Whatever. I'm drinking it out of an oversized coffee mug. Don't laugh, it was that or oversized dixie cups. Yes, I put ice in my wine...another thing to add to the "weird" list. I'm going to watch the UFC, now.

Trying to keep from thinking too much...

Eggs. How? Why? Have at it.

Thank You!

My heart is full with all of your kind words. I appreciate them very much. If you have not read my post about my grandmom, please do. Much of her life was about everyone else and not about herself. She deserves to have so much more said about her.

Please pray for my dad. He's under a tremendous amount of stress right now.

With the funeral not taking place until Tuesday (and all the stress that comes with it), I've decided to continue posting. My grandmom had everything planned a few years ago and my dad is following through with her plans nicely. I'm moral support...I'll be taking him out to dinner tonight. So...I need to post...word warrior that I am. :)

There are a couple of sites worth our time today...they want and bring the funny. FM has a post at the Monger Horde™ that allows you to find out your aristocratic title. Mine is quite fitting. Then, when you're finished feeling all important with your aristocratic title, you can visit Wyatt's place and ask him an non-job related question. MAKE THEM FUNNY! Sorry...I feel the need to control right now. :)

Again, thank you for all of your kind words and most importantly, friendship. I feel blessed.

Helen Marjorie Cameron M...

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while.....but our hearts forever.
Author Unknown

"Surprised by Joy--Impatient as the Wind"

Surprised by joy — impatient as the Wind
I turned to share the transport--Oh! with whom
But Thee, deep buried in the silent tomb,
That spot which no vicissitude can find?
Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind--
But how could I forget thee? Through what power,
Even for the least division of an hour,
Have I been so beguiled as to be blind
To my most grievous loss?--That thought's return
Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore,
Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,
Knowing my heart's best treasure was no more;
That neither present time, nor years unborn
Could to my sight that heavenly face restore.

William Wordsworth

My grandmom passed away this evening. I'm sadder than I can really express. I want to let you all know that my grandmom was so much more than the frustration that I vented a few weeks or so ago.

She was born in Scotland 89 years ago and grew up in British Columbia, Canada.

I was blessed with a grandmother who always made sure I had new glasses and a new winter coat, because my mom couldn't afford one (this is my dad's mom, btw). She taught me how to say "momma." She taught me how to make tuna fish sandwiches. She taught me that biting my nails was a bad thing. She was always game for Go-Fish and tic-tac-toe. We used to watch Creature Double Feature and the WWF on Saturdays when my dad had visitation.

She taught me a little bit about gardening, cooking, and about all the family history and stories. Somehow, I am related Rob Roy.

I remember when my mom's dad died when I was little, I was sleeping over her house, in a cot, snuggly beside her bed. I heard the phone and I knew, just as when I held her hand on Saturday for the last time I knew.

My grandmom and I used to have lunch dates at Strawbridge's in Philadelphia. We'd dress up and go window shop. Sometimes she bought me new shoes (I was an ever-growing child). Then, we'd go to lunch. We'd have a good time.

Grandmom was generous to a fault. Always sneaking me a five dollar bill, telling me, "Don't tell anyone." I thought it was a fun game, but she was hiding it from my grandpop. So, I'll add brave to my description of her. She even gave me her coveted recipe for Scottish shortbread...which you can find down a ways on this blog.

She always forgave my immaturity and impulsiveness. She was always proud of me. She was proud when I became a paralegal, proud when I went to college and graduated with lots of honors, and she was proud when I got my job. She only ever begged me to not be a lawyer because it would change me. We have relatives that are lawyers...I'll leave it at that...so when I had the real opportunity to pursue my legal career, that I wanted so much...I stuck with teaching, and I haven't regretted it.

I was lucky to have the grandmom I had. I could've had any grandmom. I was supposed to be put up for adoption. So, when I think of the alternatives in my life. I am very glad, crappy childhood and all, that God gave me a grandmother that taught me to love and to be generous. On top of it all....she was beautiful. The inside and the outside made her the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

The poem I've chosen is one that I read in college that brought tears to my eyes. It takes a couple of read-throughs. But I have to get used to moments of joy and not being able to share them with my grandmom. There is so much I had been hoping to share with her...adult joys.

I wish I could go on and on about my grandmom. She was my best friend. Just know she was the most awesome woman who dealt with a lot, who never let it turn her into a bitter woman. She was brave, strong, proud, and sentimental.

Hug those you love. :) I'll be back to post in a few days, but I'll be lurking. I need my friends. :)

The song, "Veronica," by Elvis Costello always reminded me of my grandmom. So I hope you see its worth.

Monger Horde: Reading material you don't want to read because you've already read it or it is useless...

Vicious Fabrications: Frankj's next book...

Apparently baconless wuss-bag, Frankj, likes to write books about stuff that people can read on his site for free. He's even created his own publishing company to promote his redundancy. Unfortunately, for us, that means he'll attempt to write, I mean re-write, stuff that was once free, but charge for it. In fact, he'll probably even rewrite things that were once in print and contain old information.

Here's a list of a few book ideas and titles that Frankj is considering for publication:

1. Primer used by the Puritans
2. The 1968 Yellow Pages
3. Buy my free thoughts....please!
4. Idiot's Guide to Pissing Off the Monger-Horde™
5. How Not to Become President: A Frankj Guide to a Defeatist's Attitude

THE BESTEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!

The Eagles beat the Cowboys!!!!! Just thought I'd share! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!

Can I see another shot of Owens sitting on the sideline dismayed and nutty? Please?!?!?!?!?!

This might explain a few things...

When I was going through some Christmas stuff, I found this letter mixed in with my gift cards and new blankies. This might explain to my Southern friends why their Christmas might have been a little different than I experienced up in Yankee-land. I don't know...sounds like the South might have had more fun if this letter is true. ;)

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated, and he has issued the following statement:

I regret to inform you that, effective this year, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, which happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' raccoon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee-haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh's back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the tooth fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV, featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! Relax, enjoy some good food, and enjoy your time with your families (especially your kids if you have them). Maybe sometime during the day you will have the opportunity to reflect on the importance of the event and what it will ultimately mean to us as Easter approaches.

Most respectfully and sincerely,
RT

WOW!

The only way to describe what you will see when you click on this link is WOW! Apparently skiing is not the best way to experience the Swiss Alps.

Answers to Wyatt's Christmas Questions

Apparently, Rudolph does hold quite a grudge.








So this is where NOG originates! Yum.










It looks like the Puritans didn't hang Frosty. Instead, they burned him at the stake. See what happens when people believe lies started by those with agendas!!!!

A little levity while you wrap your presents!

While I was hunting and hunting for Christmas songs not sung by Tony Bennett and Johnny Mathis, I happened across one of my favorite "secular" Christmas songs, "Jingle Bell Rock." It isn't just any version, though. It is sung by a man whose voice curls my toes. :) ENJOY!

A little Friday fun!

Wyatt has an IQ test at his site. I did ok...apparently I am...

Your IQ score is 124

Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas.

Well....was there any doubt? And yes, the Shakespeare picture was included with the score. Now...if I could be a word warrior that writes things for which people pay money....then I'd be happy. :)

Personal Christmas Message:

Ok...this is a rare serious side. You've been warned!

Dreams. We all have them and sadly, as we get older, we begin to believe that they will never come true. I was reminded of this when I was at Uber's site Tuesday. She has a wonderful graphic of a child staring out of a window at Santa on his sleigh.

When I was little and on up into my late teens, I would always sit at my bedroom window and look at the night sky and the stars. No matter the state of my walk with God (or major lack thereof), I always found myself giving Him my dreams. They were always the same...all those years. Oddly enough, even now, I find that my bed is right next to a window. Every now and then I catch myself looking out of the window, looking at the various stages of moon's cycle, and staring at the stars. My dreams are the same. God hasn't seen fit to grant me what I hold most dear, but as I get older I see that my dreams are there waiting for me...to mature, to learn lessons, and to be still. They'll be there waiting for me until God says it is time. I'm hyper, impulsive, and lack patience. I am the perpetual, "Are we there yet," child.

So, I just want to encourage any of you that have dreams, have had dreams seem to fade, or think that there is no hope to know that there is hope. As long as you can dream...there is hope.

The week that ends the year, Christmas through New Year's, always brings a weird kind of hope and pain. We hurt over the things and people lost in the past year. However, we anticipate blessings for the following year.

I hope all of you find your dreams if you've lost them, wait patiently if that's what's been asked of you, or revel in the fruition of what you have long hoped for. You don't have to believe what I believe. You have that choice. I just want to be an encouragement.

You all have been a blessing to me and I thank you. Thank you for your kind words, your jokes, and the many times you all tried to assuage my hurts.

I look forward to telling you about some dreams coming true...when God feels it is time.

Merry Christmas!
Psalm 37
Mark 10:27

To the rest of my blog buddies...

Today is a cumulative gift-giving day! There are a handful of bloggy friends that I either visit, who don't visit me, or that visit when they have a chance. To them I offer the following gifts:

• GOP & City/ "The Man": Tons of ideas for caption contests.
• GrimJack: Ideas for posts and a happy and prosperous new year!
• Middle of No Man's Land: A better newsboy, lots of time for her family, and plenty of trips to any nearby city...for some good shopping!
• Temerrity of High maintenace: To Deathlok I give time to plan the next MWE, no leaking pools or any other household repairs, a new computer, and most importantly, all the action dolls...I mean figures he can handle.
• The MoxArgon Group: A tracking device to implant in Remulak in case he/it ever gets lost again. I don't want to have to take him/it to anymore f****n airtports in f*****n Newark!
• Uber: To Uber I give my great-grandmother's Scottish shortbread recipe. I also give her more time for herself and an awesome year to come, filled with unexpected blessings.

REAL Scottish Shortbread:
2 cups UNBLEACHED, ALL-PURPOSE flour (sifting optional)
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup confectioner's sugar (do not use granulated sugar...this is the difference!)
Directions:
In a small bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, and salt.

In a large bowl, with electric mixer at medium speed, beat butter and sugar until fluffy. At low speed, gradually stir in the flour mixture until it is well blended. I can't emphasize "well-blended" enough. Chill the dough for two hours. (I usually make a disk and wrap it in plastic wrap.)

After two hours of chilling, roll out the dough to about 1/8" thick. I use a pizza cutter to make squares, but you can use whatever you want. Just make sure you put 4-6 salad fork pricks into each piece of shortbread (cookie).

Place on a non-stick cookie sheet at 350 degrees until golden brown (not dark brown, as that means the butter is burning). It will take 15-20 minutes, but all ovens vary..

Enjoy!!!! They really do melt in your mouth!

It' all about MEME!!! My pain is your entertainment.

Ok. I guess Wyatt sent me a meme so that I wouldn't post another "Christmas present" post. Too bad! I'm still doing them...the posts, not the blog buddies. :)

The rules sent down via Moses...I mean Wyatt:
Each player of this game starts with the "6 Weird Things About You."
People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as
state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog!

So here goes it. I have to admit my weirdness. I was not aware that the Chief Mongress should ever mention such weaknesses, but I will play along.

1. I can't bare my arms.
I have always worn long sleeves or sleeves longer than halfway down the top part of my arm. Skinny or fat...I just hate showing my arms (in public). I can remember wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows and a tank top in 90 degree weather in the summer as a teenager. Crazy.

2. Checking to see if I've done things:
I have had post-concussion idiocy since a really bad car accident 12 years ago. I used to have really severe memory problems, so I'd have to check to make sure I locked a door within seconds of turning my back to it...you get the point. I still do stuff like that and it makes me crazy.

3. Covering my ass:
I have to wear shirts that come down past my ass. I cannot walk out of the house without my ass covered. If a shirt doesn't cover my ass, I have sweaters or jackets that do. Yep...another weirdness developed as a teenager that has not left me.

4. I have a guilt complex.
Even if I did absolutely nothing wrong, I feel like everything is my fault. A person could lose something and I end up feeling like I took it and that I must replace it. Not that I do replace things, but I feel like I should. If something goes wrong...I feel guilty. (Could it be from being an only child?)

5. I hate prints:
Rarely, will you see me dressed in anything with a print other than stripes on it. If it has flowers or any other type of design, I probably won't wear it. There are few exceptions. I like to keep things plain and simple. I also refuse to wear white...well, except for socks.

6. I am an optimistic pessimist.
While I think and believe that I have absolutely no luck, that all the outside forces of the world are against me, and that nothing insanely good will ever happen in my life...I believe that in an instant, things could change and I could be the luckiest person in the world and all the good that has passed me by will come back my way. Well, that and that whole love at first sight thing has me in its grips...well...in the past...haven't met anyone lately.

Now...the people I will most certainly piss off with this: I tag Wreckse, John D, Peakah, GrimJack [he needs something to do], Little Miss Chatterbox, and FIAR...sorry...blame Wyatt!

Time for some headlines....

**There is a Zucker short at the end of this if you get too bored. It is about the Iraq study group.

Reality check: 95 percent of Americans had premarital sex
And their point? You all might have to write this one...I chickened out.

Blow-up: Frosty slashed by thugs
Snowman found in a puddle of, well, water.

Cheney to be defense witness in CIA case:
"I elect to invoke my 5th amendment rights on the grounds that if I talk, I'll get really pissed and kick your asses."

Visitors kept away from Hawaii volcano
Sacrifices will resume in the near future.

Researchers optimistic on valley fever
"Like, dude! Like, gag me with a spoon! Like I have this hot feeling on my brain and like I feel all icky in my tummy. Like, please get some of those chewable asprin thingies so I can like not have this pain."

A glow in the darkness is the best gift of all
Vladimir Putin was only trying to give a Christmas gift to a former comrade...not kill him. Think of it as a special type of Christmas light display.

Thieves break into police station
'Tis the season. They're just trying to give back to the community.

Bill seeks to ban trans fats from Massachusetts
Kennedy must seek a new home state.

Investigators probe sewage plant plane crash carrying Japanese tourists
That's a sh*tty way to die.

Recipe for Genius Revealed
Dial 1-800-RT-Rules!!!!

Why Do Men Have Deeper Voices than Women?
Because they are men. Well, and because they like to grunt and stuff and if a guy had a Clay Aiken-girl voice...well...it just wouldn't be the same...or sexy.

AND THIS IS THE BEST HEADLINE OF ALL....BECAUSE I DIDN'T WRITE IT!!!

ZUCKER TAKES ON THE IRAQ STUDY GROUP AND JAMES BAKER

It's Wrecksmastime!!!!

Wreckse seems like a simple guy, so I'm gonna give something to him that will mean more than material items ever will.

To Wreckse I give a "forever" pass on any airline at any time to visit with his family. It appears they all live a bit of ways from each other. Sometimes you just need to be near family.

The second gift I am giving Wreckse is a special guitar! (Fender® Merle Haggard Tribute Series Tele® Electric Guitar) Of course I've made sure it only produces hit songs.

That leaves me with my song choice for the evening. I've decided (and I hope Wreckse doesn't mind) that I'd provide a choice. You can listen to Waylon Jennings, Merle Haggard & Johnny Cash, or you can listen to Wreckse! Free publicity is a good present, right?

unSecretary General wants Santa's job!!!

Marauding Monger Mission: The New un Secretary General


Changes unSecretary General, Ban Ki-moon will make in accordance to his "naughty & nice" list:

1. The only members of the unSecurity Council will be the Monger Horde™, the United States, and Great Britain.

2. The unSecretary General will charge the Security Council with the task of ridding the world of the extremism and strife caused by nut-jobs. At the top of the list is Frank J, followed by nations that are ruled by dictators (either dressed in faux military garb or dressed in sweaters).

3. Changes will be made at the unSecretary General's place of business:

• Screwball leaders will be allowed to make inane speeches, but only to lure them in for capture.
• The menu will include a plethora of bacon® products!
• All of the flags flown will be American.

4. Other changes being considered:

• Removal of UNforceful troops from where they are stationed, as they are doing absolutely nothing...well unless you count serving as unarmed targets
• The extortion of money from the United States will stop.
• Food and money donated to unfortunate areas of the globe will actually find its way to those that need the relief.
• The unSecretary General has decided that none of his children will be caught in a money making scandal.

5. Any countries or leaders caught buying, selling, or mediating any trade for arms with Iran or Russia will be kicked out and lose any and all funding.

Oh, and ice hockey will be the official sport of the world!

A Wyatt Christmas for my pimp!

Wyatt, being my pimp, requires extra work in the presents department. Afterall, I better not disappoint. He might put me in cuffs or something.

So....I guess I'll give Wyatt the body he wishes he could have...I mean his wife wishes he could have. Also, of course, all the good health that should go with the body.

I also want to give Wyatt the hockey skills of one of his favorite players, Jaromir Jagr. Without these skills, Mr. Antonelli will have to continue pounding their opponents. If you can't get around them or defend against them...pummel 'em.

Now for something fun! Wyatt is always going on about his drinking habits and his desire to write. I've figured something out for him: A pub, with an upstairs where he can write. I'm sure Rachel won't might running the bar for him.

Lastly, I'd like to leave Wyatt with a little ditty I didn't write, but says it all!

Guess who has been naughty!!

Today, FIAR gets COAL!!!!

Well, that and a song by his favorite band, picked for its Poe-esque creepiness. It is so hard to shop for a megalomaniac.

Merry Christmas, Supreme Monger©!!!!

Hey...maybe if you apply enough pressure from your pent up frustrations, you can turn your coal into DIAMONDS!!!! ;)

Merry Christmas, Rachel!!!!

For various reasons, Rachel and I have been crushed under the weight of Christmas. She's had her share of bad experiences...mom opening a present...bad delivery drivers...you name it! I'd like to mitigate her angst by giving her a truckload of Guinness for Christmas. The Guinnes will not only get her through the remainder of the holidays, but it should also relax her enough to go giddily into the new year without so much as a shutter when someone says Merry Christmas. I'll even have a couple of Marines deliver the case to her doorstep.

I'd also like to give Rachel this fun voodoo doll...well that's how I see it. I think I'll buy one for myself, too.


Rachel's song? Well...

Hey! No Peak-ahn at the presents!

Today it is Peakah's turn to get his presents. The rest of you will have to wait your turn! I know I'm behind, but what do you want for free?

Peakah wants to be a teacher, so as a teacher, I thought I'd give him some things that they don't advise you of while you are in school. In your stocking goes a lot of patience and a low-simmer rate. You'll also need a really good sense of humor. Finally, for your new profession, I'd like to give you the endurance you will need for long days, long nights, grumpy parents, crying children, and endless hours planning and grading. Or, you could be like me and avoid everything by staring at the computer screen.

Not to be only giving you Christmas presents that relate to teaching, I'd like to give you something for you to enjoy with the Mrs. and the brood. I am sending you all to Disney World. I am also including a ton of cash to buy anything and everything the kids might want! Monopoly money is taken everywhere, right?

So enjoy Christmas, Peakah! Here's a song I know you'll like!

In knots

I seem to be having a particularly hard time this Christmas. I should be a complete puddle by New Year's Eve. I'm not sleeping...can't, stressed, my stomach is in knots, and I'm cranky. I went looking for some Christmas cheer and found something that reminded me of my childhood...this was something my dad took me to see several times. I had a crappy childhood, but my dad had Saturday visitation and didn't know what to do with me. I usually had good ideas like this one.

I hope to be chipper again when all of this is over with. My Christmas presents will resume on Sunday evening. Maybe I'll be able to figure out my funk.

The lights are on....

It seems that blogger has pms or something. Some of you have attempted to leave comments, but they haven't posted. I had the same trouble earlier in the week with a few blogger blogs. I tried resetting my comments, but I'm not sure what else to do. So please try to comment to see if it works. I switched to beta blog, so that might be the issue. Hope things clear up.

Is there anything else I can do? Any ideas? Beuller? Beuller? Anyone? Bueller?

Hording for your pleasure....

Be sure to take a trip to visit the Monger Horde™. There is quite a bit of vicious fabricating taking place. It's a fun thing! Go now...really...I mean it! Now. GO!!!!

Riddle me this!

What do chocolate, ice, Three Mile Island, and I have in common? We are all capable of a meltdown. You know you're drained when you show one of your classes Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (they are just as fried as me and it's an elective course) and you sit there silently analyzing the deeper meaning to finding the golden ticket and it chokes you up so much that you have tears in your eyes.

Damn. Ok...this is where my head went: Finding the golden ticket represents how we find ourselves in a position of unexpected luck/blessings. Oh wait...but I am not done: The children and their families are used to show that all walks of life can experience the blessings and luck, but it is what you do with it that matters. Only the truly grateful will receive further blessing....ok that's when I started to well up with tears. Now I ask you, what happened to that bad-ass, hard, "F" the world, girl that existed only a few years ago? Huh? Again, I say dernit!

Now jump ahead to me in line at the grocery store after school. There I stand contemplating what an idiot over-analyzer I am, beginning to also contemplate some stressful stuff, including possibly buying a new car. So you get the "woe is me" picture, eh? In walks a woman with a cane. I felt bad for her, but remember this is all about me...(that was a joke, btw). I remembered back two years to when I was walking with a cane, in severe pain, and gasping for breath half the time (I was a mess). Then I remembered, "Duh, D****, you idiot, you're so lucky and blessed. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. God knows your needs before you do...all of them. Be thankful you aren't still in killer pain everyday...walking with a cane."

So what did I learn? Find something to be grateful about, today. Even if it was some tiny thing you thought was insignificant...might be a huge thing to someone else.

I'll pick back up on the Christmas presents tomorrow. I'm a bit too fried to do it justice. Have a good night/day...whatever. :) BTW...anyone got any recommendations for cars? I need a V6 and lots of leg room.

I forgot to mention...

that it looks like I will actually have something to do during my summer vacation. Hey, it is never too early to plan.

It appears that I will be able to go visit my cousin, Don and his family. I haven't seen him in about 18 years. He met a girl, moved to Kansas, had a family, and now resides right outside of Nashville.
So...feeling that my once closest cousins (he and his brother) aren't as close to me as we were...I've decided that I need to do some visiting with the kin-folk. I might even go to Miichigan to visit my other cousin. I haven't seen him since...hmm....six or seven years. At least I've met his wife. :)

Summer + Southern cooking + not being in NJ for like a week=happiness!

Freeze Creeps! Nobody Move...

Or I'll beat you with Christmas presents!!!!

Today's Christmas presents (if I actually could give everyone presents) go to John D., at Nobody Move. The gifts I have for John are perfect for him. First, I'd like to give him all the movie tickets and popccorn he can handle. His Friday movie quotes are always chosen so well...a sure sign of a film buff.

For those evenings that John is bored by the all of the movies and needs a break...I'd supply him with all the books he could ever want to read by his favorite author, Donald Westlake.

Merry Christmas, John! Oh, and here is a special vehicle for you to use on those pesky highways. It comes with its own kick ass security system, too!

Did you think I forgot a song???? Hmmm...it is 12 days before Christmas!

I'm so giddy I could squeal!!!!

I had such a good day that I bought lottery tickets!

First, I won my football pool at work. It was down to a tie-breaker, the total points for the game. The person who I was tied with picked a total of 41 points for the game. Me? I chose 42. Yeah...tell me God wasn't in that one!

Then, I ran into a former student from last year. The whole time I talked to him he went on and on about how much he learned in my class. He said everytime he learns something at his SAT prep class or in his English class he thinks to himself, "Yep...Ms. **** taught me that already." Just to make sure his grades were for real, I asked who he has this year, and the teacher he has grades just as hard as I do and we make the same exact comments with the same exact wording. So...his grades are for real. This teacher and I have traded papers every now and then to see if we agree (in case we felt we were too hard on a kid).

Finally....the best part! I was talking to my supervisor and she went on and on about how my face is beginning to thin out (moon face is leaving!) and that it is becoming very apparent that I am losing weight!

Ahhhh! It is nice to have a good day!

Mongery Hordemas!!!!!!

It is my honor to bestow gifts upon the Monger Horde™!!! They do not require much. Bacon® and a worthy opponent to pummel is all they ask for...so that's what they shall get: Plenty of meat to eat and plenty of pansies like Frank J to devour!!!!

If anyone thinks otherwise; well, they've got another thing coming!

Merry Christmas, Mongers!!!!!

A CHEER, A JEER, AND A WTF!!!

Plain and simple...
Cheers go to the Iranian students who had the guts to go militant on Pres. Tom.

Jeers go to the parents of my plagiarizing student. They had the nerve to come to school, without an appointment, and then when I was gracious enough to meet with them...had the nerve to ask if their child could do any extra credit to help improve a grade that now suffers from a zero out of 100. Ummmm.....NO!

WTF?!?!?! A month or so ago I had a student ask me if I would meet him for dinner. "Not even if I'm paying?" Of course I said no and that it would highly unethical. I thought it was a one-time inappropriate thing, so I just let it go. It happened in front of other students, so I was covered. Today, he asks if it is ok for students and teachers to hang out on the weekends. Again, I said no and that it is unethical. He then said, "American teachers and students hook up all the time, don't they?" (He's not from these parts.) I told my principal. How creepy!!!

Merry Christmas, Insol!

Today I honor Insol? Insolublog? Well, I call him "the BRAIN!"
He always has something smart and profound to say about politics, our rights, and never talks down to us...although it wouldn't be hard in my case.

On top of it all, he has a wicked sense of humor.

So I present to Insol two of his favorite things. He loves our Constitution and can speak of it quite eloquently. The other is something that keeps him going...coffee. He loves coffee!

So while he sips gallons of coffee and waxes poetic on a plethora of topics, I'd like to offer him a song by one of his favorite composers.

Spewing Christmas Cheer!

Fmragtops is the latest receipient in my "if I could buy anything for my blog buddies" spectacular.

The first thing I'd like to give FM for Christmas isn't material in nautre. He's a dad of daughters. He needs more than material items to get him through the holidays....well...the next upteen years.

I want to give FM the gift of peace of mind that as long as he does his best and as long as he always finds ways to say and show that he loves his little girls that they'll know it and grow up to be the amazing women he wants them to be.

The next thing that I'd like to give FM is the gift of food. FM really likes black and tan ice cream (even though it is made by hippies). I've tried it...and...yummay!

To make up for the hippy ice cream, I'd like to give FM an
[impaling spike----->>>>>>*©!!! It is a for real impaling spike! Take it on your Monger Horde™ exploits to conquer Frank J!
To wrap up this time of gift-giving I'd like to offer a little song about RESPECT!!!!

Not all things are past away...

Well, I've been thinking a lot today. It might be the end of the year. It might be because I've just turned another year older. Could be Wyatt's post about losing weight. Whatever it is, I thought I'd show you all what I USED to look like.

I'd show you what I look like now, but it literally gives me a panic attack. So I'll show you what I'm shooting for. It will take a very long time, but I also want to tell you why I get stuck on how I used to look.

My mom took this picture to show me I wasn't a monster. I thought I was the ugliest, fattest person on earth. This is how a teenaged girl thinks...most of them, anyway. At this point I had the will power of a prize fighter and physical ability to do anything. I'd like to have that person back and use her as God intended. I don't think how I am right now is what He intended.

So bear with me as I will probably be talking about this subject more as time goes by. I'll try to keep it to once a month.

Who knows, maybe I'll have a really nice "after" picture to show that will match the before that I had way before the before I have now (riddle me this Batman!).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I'd like to wish two of our blog buddies a very happy birthday, today!

It is John D's and Wreckse's birthday!!!!!!!

Another year older, wiser, and blessed!

My vision of Frank J, cabinet member:

A vicious fabrication of a wannabe:

1. He'd try to develop a task force, in conjunction with security advisors, to rid the world of bacon...this, of course, will be quite unsuccessful and will result in his demise.

2. Frank J will add the feminine perspective to the discussions.

3. He will insist on creating high-level, top-secret administrative positions for monkeys. However, scandal can't be too far behind since Frank J is a (literal) monkey lover.

4. He'd offer to write books of speeches already given by President Bush. He'd then sell a t-shirt with the image of the book on it.

5. Hearing that brushed nickle nobs look nice on new cabinets, Frank J will have his nipples replaced in a painful (humorous to us) operation. He means well.

But the only thing that Bush will trust Frank J to execute as a member of the cabinet is official car starter and food taster. I hear the secret service wants to make his job interesting. They're thinking of testing his tolerance to polonium-210. (FJ is convinced they'll be teaching him the nuclear football code.)

Always Fffffffffffffffffirst to open his presents...

is Sssssssssssteve from Fffffffffffirst with Flair.

I really don't know what to get Ssssteve. I mean he has everything he could ever want. A job that lets him travel, a wife and a huge amount of children.

The only thing I can think of getting him is this lovely new home for his ample family. The ceilings are 25' high so that Ssssteve won't bump his head.

I am also including a new car. It is not just any car, though. it is a special Mr. and Mrs. Flair-only car. No kids allowed! That makes it perfect for going for scenic drives and date-night.



Apparently, Ssssteve will go cross country for a really old "classic." I wonder what he'll do for this?

Today's song for the honoree? You'll see!

First In for a Festival of Merriment!

Today's Christmas presents go to Captain Den at First In. The good captain has a love of good music, loud cars, denim jackets, and putting up Christmas lights.

I don't know Den, but from reading his blog I have surmised that he might like a cool car to drive to fire scenes. Well, I've been in negotiations with the city of Philadelphia and for a small pay-off, concessions in the benefits and pension programs, and a paycut for Den, I've managed to get him this sweet ride. The City states that you can take it on site, Captain. It even has a radio and emergency "I'm on a mission" lights. It beats those other vehicles you're expected to drive.

Not to be stopped at just giving Den a car, I have decided to give him the gift of music, too. I have a friend that is a firefighter. Every time I read Den's blog I'm reminded of my friend. Our favorite thing to do "back in the day" was to memorize Iron Maiden and sing along with it. So today my gift is inspired by nostalgia.

Always remember the things that bring a smile to your face (especially the little, stupid things). It is worth it...once in a while you end up reliving the warm and fuzzies. That's a good thing! (Did I just steal a M. Stewart catchphrase?)

Merry Chirstmas, Captain!

Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane would be proud...

Well, sometimes I deal with complete dipsticks. My students enter their essays onto a plagiarism site that scans for naughty no-nos. You think a relatively intelligent person would think, "Hmmm...I better not cut and paste the thoughts and ideas of others and then place those thoughts and ideas in my essay. I might get caught."

No. I get Enos.

That's a zero out of 100 points. That is having his coach and his parents in his face. That's me saying, "I'm not angry; I'm disappointed. You are capable of much better. Now, I can't trust you."

It does make me laugh, though. What was this student thinking? Duh!

On the third day of bloggy Christmas....

Today, Dragon Lady gets her Christmas presents! I thought that after a hard semester she would like to kick back and relax in her very own Scottish castle! She can sit next to a roaring fire (well, it looks drafty...a fire might be necessary), sip on some adult beverages, and listen to her hubby's music.

When she returns, however, it is back to the books. To help with the spring semester, I thought I'd give Dragon Lady a handy-man. He can put up/take down any and all decorations for any and all holidays. Well, she does spend lots of time decorating, very nicely I might add.

The last gift I'm going to give is the gift of song. However, I thought I'd be practical. Since Ms. Dragon lives in the deeeeeeeep South, it is prudent that I forego "White Christmas" for this.

Merry Christmas, Dragon Lady. I tried to find a Judas Priest Christmas song, but...

Teacher

I have had students in the past who have made me want to quit teaching, but more than those scant few, I have had students that remind me of how important it is to be caring toward others.

This is why...

• I put up with bullshit.
• I remind myself everyday that it's not about me.
• I keep the letter with all of its misspellings that tells me what a difference I made in a student's life when he felt that he had nothing special to offer.
• I re-read a yearbook entry by a student that said I changed his view of education. He will graduate from UPenn this year.
• I kid/joke, take joy in their joys, show concern when they hurt, and visit their guidance counselors when they look down.
• they are my waking thought at 4 a.m. and why I am thinking about some of them right now.
• I praise any small ounce of goodness in any student.
• even the badasses don't give me shit.
• I'm a teacher. It goes beyond pay, pensions, benefits, and summers off...it is about impacting people in a good way to help ensure they have a future. They live for "now," but we know as adults that they have a long road ahead of them and they deserve a chance to not hit so many potholes.
  

Merry CUGmas

Tonight's lucky blogger is CUG over at Conservative UAW Guy. Now we know all CUG wants is a gun, but I didn't just get him any gun, I got him the big gun! It is perfect for making hippies "dance" from any distance.

On top of that, I have decided, as Chief "Santa" Mongress©, that CUG should receive membership into the Monger Horde™ this Christmas. Well...as long as the Supreme Monger says, ok. "I'm a girl and that's all they'll let me be," so I guess I shouldn't make any independent decisions. No union card required, but things could change; you never know.

Lastly, for Christmas, I would like to dedicate this little song to CUG. When I think of Ohio, I think of quiet, humble, stalwart folk who appreciate simplicity. Enjoy!

Bloggie Christmas!!! Chatterbox-Style

I'm so excited! It is time for me to begin giving my bloggie Christmas presents! The first gifts go to Little Miss Chatterbox over at Chatterbox Chronicles.

I decided that I'm giving Little Miss Chatterbox ten more hours to every day so that she can have time to do everything she needs and wants to do. With those ten hours I'm throwing in karate lessons, lots of field trips with her kids to help keep homeschooling "fresh," and I'm going to give her my all-time favorite Christmas song. Of course, the best place to hear this song is in a hushed church, but where two or more are gathered...

Merry Christmas LMC!

P.S. I'd throw in a special visit from your favorite Prison Break crush, but Santa Mongress© can't always get everything. Sorry. :)

Hang 10, Dude!

I just received an email from cousin. He grew up in South Africa and loves to surf. Poor boy lives in Michigan...well..now he surfs Lake Michigan. Enjoy!

When in doubt....

Well, it is only Monday and it is proving to be a stressful week already. I had a bit of a long faculty meeting today with no real good news about quite a few things. One such item is our district's financial health if Trenton has its way. I won't go into it. Just know I am the last to jump on the union bandwagon, but when your district supports a mass blue-like flu to go to a rally in Trenton...well...you know things might get bad.

At least I can say I didn't vote for the idiots in Trenton. I have a clear conscience.

Since I am so tired and can't think for now, I'm going to open the floor to questions. I have some newer readers and have opened myself up a bit to y'all, so you might have some lurking wonderment in your brains. Go ahead and ask...no subject is taboo.

I'm gonna go read your blogs, now...well, for the fourth time or so tonight.

I'll post answers Wednesday evening. I'll be working late this week, so you probably won't see the answers until late Wedneday.

Mistaken Identity, misinformation, and bad storytelling...

Marauding Monger Mission: Who Done It?


It all started with a wrong number. I explained I that my name was RT, Chief Mongress, not Agent Arty. That wasn't enough, though. Before I knew it my line went dead, everything went black, and I woke up on a flight that eventually landed in Scotland. Once there, I was handed a suitcase and one of those metal brief cases. In the suitcase was a sexy, tight suit that sexy female spies wear. In the metal briefcase were newspaper clippings, a list, a cell phone, sunglasses, a perfume atomizer, and a nice, never-been fired gun...with a bunch of clips.

After a nap in the luxury hotel room I was taken to by the driver that was waiting for me, I decided that I was too intrigued to not go along with things. After all, I am known to be impulsive and too curious for my own good. I got into my sexy spy outfit, put the gun in the supplied thigh gun holster, put on my sunglasses, and grabbed my bag and put the remaining contents of the metal briefcase in it. Those metal thingies are so cumbersome.

As I was leaving the hotel, the doorman slipped me a paper and a set of keys. He motioned for me to get into the car parked a few feet away. Sweeet! A spy car! When I got into the car, I read the note: "You have been chosen to investigate the recent death of a former KGB spy. Follow the list found in the metal briefcase in the order the directions and names appear. Failure to do so will result in your death."

"Damn," I thought. "This is for real, and I am for sure dead...I get soooo distracted, so easily."

Well, I looked at the list. First stop: Drive to Stirling, Scotland. "Cool, that's where my family is from." I read on...

"Go to Stirling Bridge at noon, 11/24. You will see a man in a kilt and he will have information for you."

"Double-damn, it is nine in the morning, I better go."



As I pull up to the bridge I see a man in a kilt. Knowing a woman should never get out of the car for a strange man, I waited in my spy-car. He came over and said through the slightly lowered window, "Go to Edinburgh Castle. There'll you'll find a man in a suit with a poppy in the lapel. He's your next contact."

"Aren't you supposed to give me information?"

"When you meet the man, he will take you to a pub. It is there that you will speak with a chef Mori. He will be helpful in your investigation. By the way, do you have all of the contents of your metal briefcase with you?"

"Yes."

"The perfume detects radiological elements in the air. Keep it handy, you will need it when you complete your mission, if you complete your mission."

I closed my window and sped off to my first real meeting. To say I was scared, well, that would be an understatement.


Pulling up to the public parking area at the castle, I scanned the tourists for a man in a suit with a poppy in his lapel. Luckily, there was only one man fitting that description. I reluctantly got out of my car and met the man.

"Agent Arty?"

"No, well, kind of; yes."

"We are going around the corner to a pub. You will meet with a man named Chef Mori. You will meet with him alone and I will keep an eye on things."

"What do I say?"

"Your job is to..."

Just then a dart hit his neck and he slumped to the ground and died.

"Oh, snap! I gotta run....in heels! Damnit!"

So I run as fast as I can to my spy car. Luckily, I make it without getting hurt and I start driving. Where? How do I know? I have never been to Scotland. I see signs for what appears to be a major highway. I figure I can drive really fast on a highway, so I get on it. Unfortunately, I was going north, the opposite direction I should have been going.

I drove for hours. As far as I could tell, no one was following me. I pulled off of the highway, found a B & B as they call them, and tried to pull myself together.

As I sat on my bed, I read the list repeatedly. Go to Stirling, Scotland..."did that. Almost get killed, check."

Then as I looked at the next assignment my blood chilled. Go to the north of Scotland; there, you will board a cruise ship to St. Petersburg, Russia. You leave 11/26, 1:00 p.m.

"This is weird. I'm almost to where I am supposed to be headed." Paranoid thoughts of James Bond movies and men with mouths of silver teeth were intruding on my thoughts. I couldn't sleep. I left the B & B as early as I could.




Pulling up to the cruise ship, I realize, I don't have a ticket. I look in my bag for some money and I see a ticket. "How'd that get there?"

Wanting a solution and an end to whatever weird stuff was going on, I just went with it. I boarded the ship, went to my cabin, and then there was a knock at the door. When I opened the door, it was the guy in the kilt! Damn. He pushed his way in and started yelling at me about how I messed up the mission and that an important informant was dead and that the chef got away without revealing what he knew about the poisoning of the KGB agent.

"You have to die for your incompetence!" he screamed.

That's when he came after me. Luckily, I was able to get to the door and flee. I started running and I heard a shot. Whizzing by my head, a bullet hit the wall. I reached for my gun in my holster and just shot. I'd never shot a gun before. I only knew how to load the clip from watching movies. I missed, but it was enough to disorient kilt-boy for a quick second. I composed myself and got off a better shot. He went down. I got him in the knee. As I turned to keep running, I got pulled into another cabin. It was a United States Marine and a gaggle of FBI and CIA agents.

"Damn. I am sooo happy to see you guys. You see, I.."

"Ma'am," said the Marine. "We are part of a special Ops assignment sent to find the killers of the ex-KGB agent. We've been following you since your abduction. The man killed at Edinburgh Castle was there to harm you, as was the man in the kilt."

"But why me?"

"You teach the son of a Russian spy that has knowledge of who killed the ex-KGB agent. He has been writing code in his son's essays. When his son gets them back from you, the spy then shows off the essays as if he's proud of them, but he is actually combining your comments with his code and then the onlookers are informed of what he trying to tell them."

"But why kill me?"

"They thought you had figured out the code. They saw many phone calls to his father's office through their wiretapping."

"But, I was just calling home because the writing was so bad."

"Well, ma'am, now you know why Communism didn't work."

"Damn."

"Well, what now?"

"We need you as a decoy. Our up-to-the-second abilities to gather intelligence tell us that they still have no clue that you're not a threat."

"What about my student's father?"

"We have him at a safe house."

"Well, aren't you going to get the information you need from him?"

"We're working on it."

Just then, I hear a huge bang. It was a bomb. The marine and the FBI agents swoop me up and we run off the ship onto a small yacht.

"May I ask where we are going?"

"Russia."

"But..."

"Ma'am, the less you know right now, the better. Remember, we still need you to follow their orders."

"Okay."

As I sat there, watching the beautiful sea, I pondered what would become of me. I was scared, but I knew I had "back up." I turned to the marine, "What's your name."

"Ma'am, all you need to do is call me Doe."

"Damn."

"You'll be fine ma'am."

After what seemed like forever, we arrived to St. Peterburg, Russia. The agents gave me a new suit and sent me on my way. My only instruction was, "Get off the yacht and get into the red car."

I figured I had no choice in the matter, so I got off the yacht and got into the red car. Surprisingly, Doe was driving the car.

"Ma'am, I will be speaking Russian outside of the car 100 percent of the time. Do not be alarmed. It is for our protection. Just follow my lead, and you'll be fine. You just need to be seen with me."

We pulled up to a beautiful, huge house and went inside. It seemed empty until a man, my student's father appeared. They spoke in Russian and Doe directed me to go upstairs to the last room on the left. When I got there, it was a huge suite. Taking the place of fine furnishings, though, were television screens with views of the entire property and the FBI agents I thought we had left behind at the yacht. They informed me that we all made our way to the house separately for security reasons.

While I silently watched the screens, Doe answered the door to the house and two men walked in to the foyer. They looked familiar. They were faces I had seen on t.v. They were ambassadors from the U.N. One was from Iran, and the other was from China. A heated argument broke out and the two ambassadors realized that they were set up and weren't meeting with friendlies.

Suddenly, into the house swarmed masked gunmen. Doe took my student's father and the gunmen got the ambassadors and took them away.

Once the dust settled Doe and the student's father appeared in the television room and it was explained to me what had happened.

The ambassadors were part of a plot, along with the heads of Russia to implement Communism and to retake Eastern Europe. The gunmen were actually from the CIA and they were taking the ambassadors to await their fate. Realizing this was all information too important for me to know, I asked, "What becomes of me?"

"Well, ma'am, you will have to be placed into protective housing and given a new identity."

"But...my family and my friends, the Monger Horde™, and my blog!"

"Ma'am, you will have a new life. You'll will have a home and a guard will pose as your spouse."

"Spouse?"

"Who?"

"Me, ma'am."

"So...."

"Yes, ma'am."

"DOE!"

Writer's Block

Time for headlines, titles, and quotes:

GWYNETH PALTROW: 'British much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans'...
This, stated by a woman who named her children Apple and Moses. She then goes on to say that having Madodnna nearby is like having an older sister. Hmmm...I question her judgment about intelligence, don't you?

U.S. military frequency jams hundreds of garage doors...
Thousands of garage bands trapped...noise pollution and crazed dogs at an all-time high!

Viva Chavez! Venezuelan president set for election victory
Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Stupid, idiotic people!

Castro a no-show at 80th birthday bash
Ummm....because he's dead?

Almond rustlers nabbed in California
There are plenty of nuts to go around in California...no need for stealing, people.

Groups take aim at marijuana-flavored candy
1. Whatever... 2. Notice to candy makers: People don't like m-j for the taste, duh!!!

Prince leads Pistons to eigth win
His pep talk: "Let's go crazy and party like it's 1999! If we win, I'll buy little red corvettes for everyone!"

NY cracks down on illegal mystery meats
Ummm...I don't think I want to know what is in those dumplings.

McCartney sees psychiartrist over breakup
Dude, write a song and make money off of it!

Clicked: Faking, Cheating and rule breaking
The Clinton Years: A retrospective

Two presidential hopefuls in debt from '04 run: Edwards, Clark consider finances before running in '08
Figures...democrats, no money, spending in spite of it....leopards don't change their spots

Yipeeee!!!!

Today is my birthday and well...usually my birthdays really suck. But this time is different. When I got to school this morning my desk was littered with balloons, noise makers, and cards. The cards meant a lot to me. Inside, my colleagues wrote nice things like, "it's our turn to make you laugh" and nice messages about how they appreciate my general "presence" in their lives. To be honest, I felt really special. Then...at lunch they had an ice cream cake for me. Yes...all the candles went out with one, good strong huff and puff on my part. Two of my classes sang happy birthday to me, a third would have, but I could overhear their inability to get it going...everyone was too chicken to start it (cute). One of the classes that did sing to me is a small class of ESL students. They are the sweetest kids and they sang to me in English, Spanish, Arabic, and Chinese, and Korean. When I got home my mom had gone to my favorite local restaurant and got my favorite dish by them AND she bought me a chocolate mousse cake. WOW! She even bought me some flowers with my favorite gerber daisies (the flower that accompanies "RT" on my comments).

Tomorrow, I am spending the day with my best friend and going out to lunch.

I just feel very blessed, today. :)