Mistaken Identity, misinformation, and bad storytelling...

Marauding Monger Mission: Who Done It?


It all started with a wrong number. I explained I that my name was RT, Chief Mongress, not Agent Arty. That wasn't enough, though. Before I knew it my line went dead, everything went black, and I woke up on a flight that eventually landed in Scotland. Once there, I was handed a suitcase and one of those metal brief cases. In the suitcase was a sexy, tight suit that sexy female spies wear. In the metal briefcase were newspaper clippings, a list, a cell phone, sunglasses, a perfume atomizer, and a nice, never-been fired gun...with a bunch of clips.

After a nap in the luxury hotel room I was taken to by the driver that was waiting for me, I decided that I was too intrigued to not go along with things. After all, I am known to be impulsive and too curious for my own good. I got into my sexy spy outfit, put the gun in the supplied thigh gun holster, put on my sunglasses, and grabbed my bag and put the remaining contents of the metal briefcase in it. Those metal thingies are so cumbersome.

As I was leaving the hotel, the doorman slipped me a paper and a set of keys. He motioned for me to get into the car parked a few feet away. Sweeet! A spy car! When I got into the car, I read the note: "You have been chosen to investigate the recent death of a former KGB spy. Follow the list found in the metal briefcase in the order the directions and names appear. Failure to do so will result in your death."

"Damn," I thought. "This is for real, and I am for sure dead...I get soooo distracted, so easily."

Well, I looked at the list. First stop: Drive to Stirling, Scotland. "Cool, that's where my family is from." I read on...

"Go to Stirling Bridge at noon, 11/24. You will see a man in a kilt and he will have information for you."

"Double-damn, it is nine in the morning, I better go."



As I pull up to the bridge I see a man in a kilt. Knowing a woman should never get out of the car for a strange man, I waited in my spy-car. He came over and said through the slightly lowered window, "Go to Edinburgh Castle. There'll you'll find a man in a suit with a poppy in the lapel. He's your next contact."

"Aren't you supposed to give me information?"

"When you meet the man, he will take you to a pub. It is there that you will speak with a chef Mori. He will be helpful in your investigation. By the way, do you have all of the contents of your metal briefcase with you?"

"Yes."

"The perfume detects radiological elements in the air. Keep it handy, you will need it when you complete your mission, if you complete your mission."

I closed my window and sped off to my first real meeting. To say I was scared, well, that would be an understatement.


Pulling up to the public parking area at the castle, I scanned the tourists for a man in a suit with a poppy in his lapel. Luckily, there was only one man fitting that description. I reluctantly got out of my car and met the man.

"Agent Arty?"

"No, well, kind of; yes."

"We are going around the corner to a pub. You will meet with a man named Chef Mori. You will meet with him alone and I will keep an eye on things."

"What do I say?"

"Your job is to..."

Just then a dart hit his neck and he slumped to the ground and died.

"Oh, snap! I gotta run....in heels! Damnit!"

So I run as fast as I can to my spy car. Luckily, I make it without getting hurt and I start driving. Where? How do I know? I have never been to Scotland. I see signs for what appears to be a major highway. I figure I can drive really fast on a highway, so I get on it. Unfortunately, I was going north, the opposite direction I should have been going.

I drove for hours. As far as I could tell, no one was following me. I pulled off of the highway, found a B & B as they call them, and tried to pull myself together.

As I sat on my bed, I read the list repeatedly. Go to Stirling, Scotland..."did that. Almost get killed, check."

Then as I looked at the next assignment my blood chilled. Go to the north of Scotland; there, you will board a cruise ship to St. Petersburg, Russia. You leave 11/26, 1:00 p.m.

"This is weird. I'm almost to where I am supposed to be headed." Paranoid thoughts of James Bond movies and men with mouths of silver teeth were intruding on my thoughts. I couldn't sleep. I left the B & B as early as I could.




Pulling up to the cruise ship, I realize, I don't have a ticket. I look in my bag for some money and I see a ticket. "How'd that get there?"

Wanting a solution and an end to whatever weird stuff was going on, I just went with it. I boarded the ship, went to my cabin, and then there was a knock at the door. When I opened the door, it was the guy in the kilt! Damn. He pushed his way in and started yelling at me about how I messed up the mission and that an important informant was dead and that the chef got away without revealing what he knew about the poisoning of the KGB agent.

"You have to die for your incompetence!" he screamed.

That's when he came after me. Luckily, I was able to get to the door and flee. I started running and I heard a shot. Whizzing by my head, a bullet hit the wall. I reached for my gun in my holster and just shot. I'd never shot a gun before. I only knew how to load the clip from watching movies. I missed, but it was enough to disorient kilt-boy for a quick second. I composed myself and got off a better shot. He went down. I got him in the knee. As I turned to keep running, I got pulled into another cabin. It was a United States Marine and a gaggle of FBI and CIA agents.

"Damn. I am sooo happy to see you guys. You see, I.."

"Ma'am," said the Marine. "We are part of a special Ops assignment sent to find the killers of the ex-KGB agent. We've been following you since your abduction. The man killed at Edinburgh Castle was there to harm you, as was the man in the kilt."

"But why me?"

"You teach the son of a Russian spy that has knowledge of who killed the ex-KGB agent. He has been writing code in his son's essays. When his son gets them back from you, the spy then shows off the essays as if he's proud of them, but he is actually combining your comments with his code and then the onlookers are informed of what he trying to tell them."

"But why kill me?"

"They thought you had figured out the code. They saw many phone calls to his father's office through their wiretapping."

"But, I was just calling home because the writing was so bad."

"Well, ma'am, now you know why Communism didn't work."

"Damn."

"Well, what now?"

"We need you as a decoy. Our up-to-the-second abilities to gather intelligence tell us that they still have no clue that you're not a threat."

"What about my student's father?"

"We have him at a safe house."

"Well, aren't you going to get the information you need from him?"

"We're working on it."

Just then, I hear a huge bang. It was a bomb. The marine and the FBI agents swoop me up and we run off the ship onto a small yacht.

"May I ask where we are going?"

"Russia."

"But..."

"Ma'am, the less you know right now, the better. Remember, we still need you to follow their orders."

"Okay."

As I sat there, watching the beautiful sea, I pondered what would become of me. I was scared, but I knew I had "back up." I turned to the marine, "What's your name."

"Ma'am, all you need to do is call me Doe."

"Damn."

"You'll be fine ma'am."

After what seemed like forever, we arrived to St. Peterburg, Russia. The agents gave me a new suit and sent me on my way. My only instruction was, "Get off the yacht and get into the red car."

I figured I had no choice in the matter, so I got off the yacht and got into the red car. Surprisingly, Doe was driving the car.

"Ma'am, I will be speaking Russian outside of the car 100 percent of the time. Do not be alarmed. It is for our protection. Just follow my lead, and you'll be fine. You just need to be seen with me."

We pulled up to a beautiful, huge house and went inside. It seemed empty until a man, my student's father appeared. They spoke in Russian and Doe directed me to go upstairs to the last room on the left. When I got there, it was a huge suite. Taking the place of fine furnishings, though, were television screens with views of the entire property and the FBI agents I thought we had left behind at the yacht. They informed me that we all made our way to the house separately for security reasons.

While I silently watched the screens, Doe answered the door to the house and two men walked in to the foyer. They looked familiar. They were faces I had seen on t.v. They were ambassadors from the U.N. One was from Iran, and the other was from China. A heated argument broke out and the two ambassadors realized that they were set up and weren't meeting with friendlies.

Suddenly, into the house swarmed masked gunmen. Doe took my student's father and the gunmen got the ambassadors and took them away.

Once the dust settled Doe and the student's father appeared in the television room and it was explained to me what had happened.

The ambassadors were part of a plot, along with the heads of Russia to implement Communism and to retake Eastern Europe. The gunmen were actually from the CIA and they were taking the ambassadors to await their fate. Realizing this was all information too important for me to know, I asked, "What becomes of me?"

"Well, ma'am, you will have to be placed into protective housing and given a new identity."

"But...my family and my friends, the Monger Horde™, and my blog!"

"Ma'am, you will have a new life. You'll will have a home and a guard will pose as your spouse."

"Spouse?"

"Who?"

"Me, ma'am."

"So...."

"Yes, ma'am."

"DOE!"