Just kind of thinking out loud.

Change is a weird thing, a good thing, and a hard thing. I don't usually experience much change that falls into the "good" category. New friends and improved health are good changes for me. I've also renewed ties with one of my cousins since my grandmother's death. For as good to me as my grandmother was, she didn't like me having much contact with my cousins. Since her death, one cousin has kept in touch with me (not that I really want to speak to the other two, but that's another story). I got a birthday card from her today, a little early, but it was the first card I ever got from her. I don't even have a clue as to when her birthday is. Then, just now, I got an email from her. It is weird for me.

My mom's side still sees me as the punk-ass kid I was when I was younger; therefore, they treat me like I have half a brain. My dad's side always lived far enough away that I never really got to know them (again, a good thing). I'm always taken back a little when people actually make an effort to be nice to me. I'm not all that used to it. I'm actually used to lots of rejection. Maybe I try to exceed bounds that are evident to them and not me? Who knows? I just know that I never seem to meet the expectations that others have for me. So for my cousin to be reaching out to me is some good change.

It was nice to get that email and that card.

I spent the day in my grandmom's house, today, and it was kind of hard. I haven't stepped foot inside the house since January. It is just too hard. My dad has given away some of the furniture, so it was weird to see my grandmom's hardly used chair and my grandpop's well-worn chair missing from their spots. My dad and I sat on the old sofa. I sat in my grandmom's spot and my dad sat in my usual spot. I felt sad. Sitting next to my dad, who will have a birthday this week, I could see his hurt about things in life. I could feel his pain when he said that sometimes when he sits there he can still feel that my grandmom is there. He talked about selling the house and moving to Maryland. Sometimes, I want to say, "What about me?" However, I have learned in life that you can't control or manipulate people. To truly love them and to have them know you love them is to just let them be who it is that makes them happy to be. After all, you're not the one living in their skin. However, part of me feels like I have to protect my dad. But, part of me also feels and knows that if he's happier someplace else, well, then he needs to be someplace else.

Funny thing is, I keep praying for change in my life. This isn't what I meant, though.