Monday, December 31, 2007

Predictive Pimping

This is the time of year that people like to predict what will happen in the year to come. Since looking at such things make me anxious and I really don't want to know what disasters await the world, I thought I'd make some predictions of my own.

Seeing that I don't own a crystal ball and I'm out of loose tea, I tried coffee grounds, but they didn't work as well. I just kept seeing a pack mule hanging out with some guy named Juan.

However, since I'm from Jersey, I found Zoltar at the local boardwalk. He lacks some personality, but I got enough from him to give you all my (read: his) predictions for 2008:

Movies: Given the success of Tim Burton's interpretation of Sweeney Todd, he will up the ante by turning Airplane! into a musical with its biggest cast numbers being a remake of "Jive Talking" and an original song, "Don't Call Me Shirley." Richard Simmons is slated to choreograph.

Music: Britney will realize that there is such a thing as bad press and will put out (heh) a "best of" CD that will send her on a world tour for two years. This will bring much relief to her children and to the drivers on Hollywood's roads.

Television: In an effort to bring back family-friendly programming during a continuing writers' strike, Hollywood will run old episodes of the Dick VanDyke Show, I Love Lucy, and The Beverly Hillbillies.

Politics: When Americans collectively realize that none of the candidates for President are any good, Congress will be fired and the Founding Fathers will come back to take over. The energy created by them spinning in their graves will reanimate life (Mary Shelley and Luigi Galvani would be proud.)

World: Israel will pwn the Middle East and will give us an equal share in all the oil. Now, that is a war for oil!

Weather: It will rain, snow, hail, and sleet. There will be thunder, lightning and a lot of wind. The temperature will sometimes be hot, cold, warm, or absolutely freezing. Can I have my prize, now?

Sports: To combat steroid use in sports, all American sports agree to allow the athletes to pump themselves full of all the performance enhancing drugs they want. The fans' on-the-edge wonderment of who will have roid rage on the field of play or who will combust from all the chemicals by literally popping a vein, will sell tickets out the wazoo. Bookies will be happy, as a whole new form of betting will open up. Bonds? He'll retire and then be named MLB commissioner.

Now, onto the fates of some of our bloggy friends:

Wyatt and Deathlok will join Vinnie and Deathlok's brother on the next Davos excursion. However, their return will be delayed because Wyatt will go missing. He will be found, later: connected to a frozen pool of drool, in a trance, staring at the Swiss Alps. (Yeah, "those" Swiss Alps.)

Mrs. Grim will finally win the hyper barking battle with GrimDog. A strange side-effect will occur, though. Curiously, every time she says, "no," "sit," and rollover, GrimJack will obey, too.

Dee will continue her radio show. After an exclusive interview with Hillary Clinton, in which Dee gets Hillary to totally melt down, Dee is offered a syndication deal with the contractual obligation to make extreme liberals cry. This will scare hippies into bathing.

JimmyB: For his tenacity as a fundraiser, CUG will be offered a job with the NRA as a lobbyist. This will make him very happy!

As the result of a freak Hogmanay incident that leaves his beer gene glitched, DBA Dude will now only recommend Miller and Schlitz beers. However, Noddy will come to his rescue by knocking DBA over the head with a bottle of Scotch. Thankfully, it will bring DBA back to his senses (heh, a pun), and they will both enjoy a swig.

Dragon Lady will stun us all! Instead of decorating for Halloween, she will shun the holiday to reenact the landing of the Pilgrims at Plymouth. Why? Well, she determines that it is less work.

Captain America will be asked to be the Philadelphia Fire Department's next interpretor of "Ben Franklin." At first he's excited. However, when he realizes he has to demonstrate how to fight fires Colonial-style, in costume, he loses his enthusiasm.

Ssssteve will once again show his flair for making us laugh by writing posts again. In fact, he'll sing his version of "Take this Job and Shove it" and become a pants model in local malls so that he can devote more time to blogging. Unfortunately, Ssssteve is fired because of a pantsless-in-the mall "incident" and Ssssteve goes back to work with his brother.

Fiar will continue his trend of beginning new blogs. He will create a fashion blog, a blog about his secret love of all things Star Wars (including the dolls), and a blog about how to combat trolls.

After finally finishing his 5 lb candy cane in time for Easter, JT will be stunned to find out that he will be given a laundry-sized, wicker basket filled with candy. The centerpiece will be a 10 lb chocolate covered, peanut butter egg. After all that sugar, JT will invent a speed metal version of bluegrass that make will make him millions. He will be a rich but jittery man.

Four bloggers: USA Admiral, Old NFO, John D., and Jimbo; and frequent commenter: Skul, will use their military experience and will band together to go hunt down Bin Laden, stuff him into a sack, throw him into a plane, and teach him how to skydive without a parachute. They will split the well-deserved reward money as true gentlemen should.

SoHos will be appointed the new border guard at the Texas/Mexico border. She will eliminate the need for any other guards, as her evil eye will be enough to keep illegals out of Texas. Period.

Jeffro will make a complete recovery from his surgery and will begin training for the Iron Man. When Jeffro arrives to compete, he realizes that it is not an air guitar competition featuring Black Sabbath's biggest hit and he is quite bummed.

Von will go see the Foo Fighters in concert, and I will be jealous.

And my predictions for me? I will make more time for me and for my walk with God. I will also work on making my job less of an impact on my life. God will continue to bless me with good and improved health and much weight loss. I doubt there will be a man in the picture, as I am beginning to believe that such an occurrence might disrupt the rotation of the earth and we can't have that, now can we? Well, it would just piss off Al Gore even more and he really doesn't need to get another Nobel Prize for being an overrated idiot.

I hope you all have a wonderful year! Thank you for making mine a little brighter. :)


dragonlady474 said...

I can't forsake Halloween now! I've got too much money invested in it, Mr. Dragon would kill me. lol

Anonymous said...

How did you know I was going to start a fashion blog? And yet, so wrong about the Star Wars one.

Wyatt Earp said...

Sorry, I zoned out after I read the part about Richard Simmons.

Eww . . . ball huggers . . . !

SoHoS said...

LOL!!!!! This is the best!!!! I love it!!!!!

Mrs Grim said...

This is a GREAT post, RT and very inventive!

Alas, I am afraid the barking may not be rectified unless we murder the dog, but it is still a nice prediction!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts this year, and A Happy and Healthy New Year awaits! Thanks for being one of my bloggy friends!

RT said...

Hey, it's a boardwalk gypsy...need I say more?

You have to start a fashion blog! It would be awesome! Sorry to let out your Star Wars SECRET. I know you have unbridled love for Luke.

Why would you zone out and imagine Richard Simmons? Ewww!

I'm glad you loved it! Now, go give lots of people dirty looks.

Mrs. G:
I have my moments. :) I hope you have a great year, too! I'm going into this one with optimism...thought I'd try it for a change.

Jeffro said...

What? You mean all that choreographing is for naught?

May your New Year be enjoyable and fulfilling.

RT said...

Thank you, you too.

Well, you can always air-guitar the Star Spangled Banner for the beginning of the race. ;P

Old NFO said...

I'm up for it! Heading to that part of the world shortly... We would have to bring some DNA back, either that or park him on the helo pad at the Hoover Building :-)

RT said...

Are you ever home for a full month? Do you get to keep the flyer miles? Geez.

All the travel keeps things interesting, though, right?

I'm sure he oozes DNA---blek. I say drop him off within full view of about a bazillion cameras. Make it clear he didn't bump his head, too.

John D. said...

Happy New Year, RT!

As for bin Loser, we shouldn't need a sack. If I find him, I think a half dozen plastic baggies ought to do the trick.

RT said...

Happy New Year, John!

Well, keeping him in baggies is a good idea. They don't leak and you can keep plenty of the DNA, Old NFO mentioned, nice and fresh. HA!

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

NRA lobbyist?
Where do I sign?!?!?

And a happy New Year to you RT. :P

RT said...

Happy New Year, CUG! :)

USA_Admiral said...

Wonderful Post!

I laughed myself into a the need for some Cheesecake.

I want to water board Bin Ladens ass on the Hoover Building until he sings Amazing Grace and How Great Thou Art in english. I would spend 3 or 4 hours on his ass til he cries for him Mom.

RT said...

Well, the laughing probably burned some calories, so go ahead and have some cheesecake. (YUK!)

Have at and give Bin Loser a few kicks in the head for me. :)

Dee said...

LOL :-), Thanks RT, I love it!!!!!!

RT said...

Now, go make them all cry! That's an order.