Friday, December 14, 2007

A BIT O'SPAM

I thought I'd follow-up my Louisville Slugger caption contest. . .oh, wait, that's not what Captain Kirk is holding. Dang. Anyway, I thought I'd continue my downward spiral into base humor with a sampling of spam from my spam folder. The subject of the spam is the usual: trying to give me advice that I don't need.

An anonymous source decided to advise me that "if she won't suck your twinky, she'll suck a sausage when you add the inches." Now, I know I don't have any Twinkies or sausage in the apartment. I don't think I'd want anyone sucking either of them, too. I mean I'd like to eat them at some point. The source was right about one thing, though, you eat enough twinkies and sausages, you will gain inches--around your waist.

Heath asks, "What is the best way to enlarge penis?" O.k. Heath, I know you are a guy and given your first name, I'm assuming you are all "Brokeback" and should know such things. I'd tell you how, but a girl has to have her secrets.

Then Batista tells me that my "new, big penis is only 5-6 months away." See, Batista, therein lies the rub. I don't use what I have. What in the world would I do with a new. big penis in 5-6 months?

Some guy named Nam was really forward in his email: "Check out my big schlong." No. That is ok, but thanks for offering. (If I had a nickel for every time I've--never mind.)

However, another guy named, Yan lamented, "My wife complains about my small cock ALL THE TIME!" Well, I'm sorry Yan. I really can't help you in that area; however, if you send your wife to that guy, Nam, she might stop complaining. One question, though. How could some guy help her out with a miniature rooster?

Now, I realize that most of the emails I've shared with you so far have been quite bold in their assertions. However, I did receive a rather personal question, though, from some guy named Mori. He asked, "Does she have to wait forever to get some real sex?" I don't know who "she" is (people have names ya know), but I can honestly say it feels like forever.

And then finally, I got this command from Derrtdni: "Impress the girls with your new enlarged whopper!" What? Are girls the only ones that eat whoppers? I like double whoppers with cheese. I haven't had one in years, but they are usually pretty big in size--very impressive and filling. I like to chase them by slurping up a coke. Yes, with a smile!

5 comments:

USA_Admiral said...

LOL. Thanks for the stitch in my side.

I get about 28 of these things a day.
I guess women are satisfied with their; uh; well you know; equipment, software; stuff. My Wife or have never seen one about a woman needing bigger; uh you know.

DBA Dude said...

Used to get loads of these but since I switched ISPs a couple of years back I have not had any (touch wood).

You do seem to be missing the old email from Nigeria offering you millions of dollars if you would only send them your bank details/some cash up front.

RT said...

Admiral:
Not touching that one. ;P

DBA:
Any spam I get goes right to a spam folder. I only look at them for a laugh (don't open them...just the first line shows).

The guy from Nigeria probably previewed my bank account and had a good laugh. Can't get blood from a stone.

SoHoS said...

Count is constantly telling me about how Sheila wants to go down on him or how Kimmy knows how to make him bigger. We crack up every time. I don't get these but he does like 150 a day.

Mrs Grim said...

I get a lot of these too, in my work email.

Thanks for making them so funny, RT!