More family stuff...

Before I begin this, let me just say that I'm going to try to not talk about this stuff anymore (or at least for a while). It is just getting too depressing and I hate whining.

About a week ago, my dad's remaining uncle died. It is like my family is disappearing and with all of the death in past year alone, it has become sad to watch my father experience all of this hurt. Just a few weeks before my grandmother died, her sister died. Then, his uncle died in July, another aunt (wife of an already deceased uncle) was placed on life support--haven't heard anything, but we know how that usually turns out. Then, last week, my Uncle Ian. I'm leaving out all of the other family members he lost since his grandmother died in 1992. I knew many of these people, some more than others, but just the same, my dad really knew them well and I know he's hurting.

My dad told me about this latest death, today. He usually waits, my guess is absorbs it, for a week and then tells me. Consequently, I did a lot of thinking today while processing this information coupled with the news of my aunt's cancer. In between all the grading and the interaction with students, I thought about how eventually, this type of stuff happens. But it is a jolt that keeps hitting me, especially this past year. I also thought about how I've changed in the past year. I used to be the type to just say "f'k it" and "f'k them." I'm not like that anymore. Even the slightest loss seems to kick my ass. For example, in the months leading up to when my best friend married and moved away, every time I saw her, I broke down in to serious sobs. That's not me.

Loss of any kind is hard. Experiencing varying degrees of one kind or another, over and over and over again, is just kind of making me weary. However, at the same time it makes me want to live and be around as many people as possible and makes me want to build relationships with people. I also now realize how much I need to be around my parents and vice versa.

It just kind of hit me, today. I still need my own life, but I shouldn't feel bad about wanting to be sure I'm near my parents and wanting to be there for them. As I have said at one time or another, I'm all they have and they are all I have. They are the only ones that really don't judge me or reject me. I can't turn my back on them.

Today, I finally let go of that "trapped" feeling I've had for a while and accepted my life for what it is and how it is. My head is swirling today, so I'm sorry if this was weird in any way. I just needed to get some things off of my chest and think out loud.