Not the mommy!

I had a true light bulb moment during my weekly lunch with pops. First, you need to know that I was already upset that I'd overslept and missed church. Now, if we combine the utter desire and need for me to go to church and not going, my mom still not getting a job, and the lunch I'm about to illustrate, you might get an idea of why I'm so contemplative lately.

Dad: How was church?
Me: Didn't make it.
Dad: Is it because of how they want you to do things?
Me: No. Couldn't sleep.
Dad: Nerves?
Me: Yep. (I think that is our code word for don't wanna talk about it, but things are on my mind.)
Dad: Well, you work through it in your way, right?
Me: [In my head] No friggin' choice, do I? (Well, I'm tired.)

During lunch we had a waiter that could barely understand English, let alone speak it. He was also new, which meant he did not know the menu. And my mom can't find a job. And this is all I can think about. Tears well up.

So my dad gets his usual fish dish. He nearly chokes about five times, because of bones. He complains to two of the wait staff and the hostess. He asks me if fish is supposed to have bones. I answer, "You didn't order a fillet." Does he carefully eat his fish? No. He shoves in huge pieces and then complains that he keeps finding bones. I had to tell him to be a little more careful, so that he could pick out the bones. Then it hit me as I looked around the diner. This is my life. It is an endless dance of don't hurt my mom's feelings because she'll shut down, and gingerly deal with my dad because of his cognitive issues. Don't try to convince him that contractors don't just come out to the house to install a door and don't burst his bubble when he says that they'll come out to the house when they say they will. Different week, same conversations--over and over and over again.

I told my mom a couple of months ago that she has until June to get her act together. However, having to get a new car means...get your act together sooner. I told her I wanted to move out and have a life. She said, "You can't leave me."

Yet, I'm an only child. Do I just leave them? I've been struggling with that question for a few months. Well, really more than a few months. I haven't had to really make the decision to leave because I haven't had real opportunity, yet. So, I could always put off the thought or make excuses.

Then I'm sitting there today with my dad. I'm wondering, "Is this my life?" It's not like I can divorce my parents and leave them in my memories. I also love my parents and don't want to hurt them.

I took the very long way home and then took my mom out for a little while because I just couldn't bear the thought of going into that apartment. I didn't want to go home.

Then when I finally got home and finally forced myself to go up the stairs into the apartment I thought, "This doesn't have to be my life. Maybe if I actively do something rather than waiting for my mom or dad to actually be, well, adults and parental, I can have a life."

So, most of the night I've been vacillating about whether or not to yet again, whine. But, there is a point to my whining. I'm going to do something with my life. I've decided that in June I will leave NJ. I don't know where I'll go, but I need to leave.

I feel like I am abandoning my parents and from a Biblical view, I really, really feel like that is what I'm doing. However, it also says that parents aren't to exasperate their kids. I think it is time we all grew up. Chances are they will follow me wherever I go, but isn't that the point? I should be out getting my life, now and they can catch up with me.

I can't be sitting in the same diner, just another Sunday. I can't be pleading with my mom to go out and look for a job.

A year from now I want them to see me have a life and to actually be really living.