HEADLINES!!!!!!!!!

Today we have the hot, sticky, humid version of the headlines. My brain is a little warped--no air conditioning--broken. Enjoy!

Too little, too late: Gore blames scientists for climate crisis...
Wait. It's not my fault? I was afraid all my Aqua Net use in the '80s caused global warming.

Court rules against high school senior 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' banner...
However, Crackheads for Krishna is allowed.

CANADA UNVEILS AMBULANCE FOR 1000-LB PATIENTS...
This as a result of the Canucks' breeding practices with moose. That or they are eating a lot of pancakes or something.

Barber stabs second client with scissors...
Apparently he confused flat-top with flat-line.

Scientist Implicates Worms in Global Warming...
WHAT!?!?!!? I was wondering what mission they were on each time I saw them after a rain storm. Now I'm glad I stepped on them for fun when I was little.

SCIENTISTS DESCRIBE '5-FOOT TALL PENGUIN'...
Said to be a detective named Wyatt. (Go email your roast entries!)

AUDIO: TED KENNEDY SERENADES MEXICAN-AMERICAN DJ -- EN ESPANOL...
"Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeelizzzzzzzzzzzzzz *hiccup* nachos y *hiccup* salsa y aye aye aye *hiccup*.

Rosie says she won't replace Bob Barker
Apparently producers did not like her idea of "shoot the Republican" and "Guess the conspiracy theory."

Wizardry takes dark turn in new ‘Potter’ film
Harry is now an Emo kid, dyes his hair jet black, wears eyeliner, and writes poetry about how him mum wouldn't let him go to a concert--so now his life is over! Then he cuts himself to feel alive.

Police fight new menace: cuddling couples
They are ruining our world! Those darn cuddling couples make lonely, spinster types like me feel worse. How dare they be in love! Makes me want to throw a rock at them, yeah!

Texan set for execution wants to die laughing
He won't be the one laughing in hell.

Iran president turns to butcher for economy tips
finger tips, toes, ears, hands, and anything else that he deems against his dictatorship.

Beijing airport tackles pigeon problem
DINNER!

With or without the Rodham, she's still Hillary
...and a beyotch with no personality!!!

Black lab drives owner's car into river
The black lab claims that he had enough of his owner throwing his prized ball into the river for laughs. Apparently Fido doesn't appreciate the fun of fetching.