SERVIN' UP THE HEADLINES!!!!!

1. Missing lake was swallowed by crack
Now lakes are addicted to crack!

2. Stealing another's man's wife costs $4,802
See, that guy wasted a lot of money just to have somebody else's wife. A date with a single gal wouldn't set him back much compared to the idea of having somebody else's wife. Did I mention she's married? LOSERS!

3. Chinese villagers eat dinosaur bones
Wilmaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Somebody's eating Dino!

4. Turtles to test wireless network
Caaaan................youuuuuuuuuu................hearrrrrrrrrrrr..................
meeeeeeeeeeeeee..................nowwwwwwwwwwwww?

5. Jealous Scientist Tests DNA on Husband's Underwear
Damn. CSI: Infidelity Division....she closed the case on his cheating ass. (He failed the test, btw.)

6. Miss NJ: Someone trying to blackmail me
Apparently there are sickening photos of Jersey mall hair!

7. Unidentified sea creature termed 'octosquid' found off coast of Hawaii...
I think I dated him, once.

8. MSNBC: iPhone breaks after only 4 days...
Yep, guess it was worth waiting in line for hours for that gem.

9. Oldest DNA ever recovered shows warmer planet...
WHAT???? The planet was warmer and we are actually getting cooler?????? What's that? Al Gore just stroked-out.

10. Business: Has Henry Kravis gone soft?
Isn't that a little personal?

11. No Pay, Great Benefits — Condom Tester Sought
Guess Henry won't be getting that job!
Now how would this guy's wife reward him after a long day at work? Dang.

12. Biden: Bush 'is brain dead'...
Biden: "Ooops, that's me in the mirror."

13. Brain scans show how pain upsets concentration
Ummm...they had to do studies on this?

14. Chinese exporters seek to shed taint
Heh. Taint.

15. Dinner guest finds host's wife, son in freezer
I don't think I want dessert, now. Thanks.