1. Report: Astronauts drank before launch
"Dude, where's my ssssshuttle?" OR I'd have to be blitzed to strap a Roman candle to my back.
2. Pond bacterium converts light to energy
Attn: Deathlok and JohnD!!!! No need to clean your pools--you can now say your bacteria ridden pools are a source of energy!
3. Giant prehistoric tusks found in Greece
They are horny in Greece? Really? No. Really? Well, Tommy Lee is Greek.
4. Prankster dentist who gave woman tusks wins in court
Ummm....what's with the trend-o-tusks?
5. Researchers find evidence of hidden city
That's not a hidden city. That's the dark underbelly of the liberal society. They breed in secret and just appear out of nowhere to confuse and destroy.
6. Matt Groening, Grabbing for Laughs in the Darkness
Note to self: When sitting in the dark with a guy...
7. Virgin secret to good festival weather
They tried to get the secret out, but the virgin wouldn't give it up.
8. Toronto man offers "My Left Nut" as cancer potion
Potion? So, I guess it would be administered by mouth?
9. Woman Banned For Life From WAL-MART...
Ok. How low on the food chain do you have to be to get banned from WalMart for life? Did she not greet the greeter? That's something that would happen to Peg Bundy.
10. Edwards bikes with Lance Armstrong: 'The biggest problem is my butt hurts'...
Yeah, from getting kicked in it so much. Ok, you are riding a bike with a Tour de France winner who is also a cancer survivor. You whine about your ass hurting? Douchebag.
11. Tenn. Bans Prison Visitors From Wearing Sexy Lingerie
Phewwww...good thing I went down there before the ban. I have heard, however, that the ban doesn't extend to "Tranny Tuesdays" in "D" block. (I really shouldn't be joking about prisons right now.)
12. Speaker Pelosi Named One Of Capitol Hill's Most Beautiful People...
Then the "judges" who named Pelosi as such returned for another stint at rehab, hoping they'd make better choices in the future.
13. Japanese Launch gPod 'iVibrator' for Women
Does it play music?
14. Gabor's husband found sitting naked in Rolls
Gabor's rolls?
15. Hotels told to provide condoms
Another amenity I won't need.
16. Canadian Mounties chase rebel bees after hive coup d'etat
Dudley-do-right reported that the sting to catch the queen bee of the Dasterdly Drone gang was a success.
17. Armed Preacher Nabs Theft Suspect
Talk about being on a mission from God.
18. Man Blames Bad Nose for Not Smelling Dead Wife's Body
Man: "I just thought she was taking a really long nap. I kept wondering when she was gonna make dinner."
19. Scientists breed world's first mentally ill mouse...
Disney plans a new character: Twitchy
20. Clinton camp hot and bothered over cleavage report...
If somebody is hot and bothered over Hillary's cleavage, there is hope for me!
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2 comments:
There was one in the local WEWS news. "Men who propositioned prostitutes to dress like chickens" and my first thought was there was some weirdos out there that were getting the giggity giggity giggity thing going by having women dress up in chicken costumes (which brings to mind the old adage about the chicken and the egg. . which came first) .. Anyway. . what the article was about was the men arrested were made to dress in a chicken costume and hold a sign at a street corner saying "no chicken ranch here". Actually, how I first interpreted it made for a more interesting read.
I saw the news story on tv (is it really news?) How was this public shame? Their faces were covered. Hey, if you are scum enough to f'k or get blown by trash, then dang, you should be on display. You know, so no one else f'ks or blows you and catches what you got from the skanks.
(I seem to be full of bile, today.)
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