Sunday, October 01, 2006

Lighten the Mood

Realizing I'm probably depressing anyone who reads my blog, I decided to post three jokes that made me laugh, are a bit off-color, and will hopefully make you laugh. Feel free to provide jokes, too. Sounds like we've all been stressed out, pissed off, or need a pick-me-up.

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


John D. said...

My mom sent me this one last week:

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual Letter)

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

RT said...

That is awesome! Lawyers are paid to be smart-asses. That's great! Thanks for the laugh; I'm smiling right now. :)

rachel said...

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife... spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

RT said...

Rachel...very funny. Too bad the wife of a rabbi where I live wasn't that proactive...the rabbi had her killed. Neulander ring a bell?

That one caused a full-on belly laugh...Santa style.

Ssssteve said...

RT, true story! My wonderful wife was walking through Tarjay (target) on christmas shopping season. About the time Toy Story came out. I'm a couple rows over. A man with a "Woody" doll in his cart pushes it by my wifes cart with our children in it. I hear my wife exclaim for all to hear " Hey, look kids, that guys got a woody!" What was really funny was the collective in sucking of breath for about 5 rows around after she said it! you could also hear the crickets it was soo quite for about 5 seconds after! You can't script stuff like that!

Ssssteve said...

Crap, that was supposed to say "ONE Christmas season" and it was "Quiet for about 5 seconds"! stoooopid public education!

RT said...

You forgot some apostrophe action, too. But I'm just a public school English teacher.

That is too funny! One year during the telecast of our local Thanksgiving Day parade, one of the hosts (Lisa Thomas Laury) exclaimed at the sight of the Woody Woodpecker float--Look at that Woody! or some such nonesense. She may have even said something about his size. She kind of realized what she said, though, because it got really quiet and you could hear a slight snicker.

Your poor wife must have been so red.