HEADLINES!

1. Motel guest gets one-ton wake-up call
After entering the wrong room, a drunken Rosie O'Donnell mistakenly performed a body slam on whom she thought was her girlfriend.

2. Cops bust teens' root-beer kegger
They also confiscated 10 cartons of candy cigarettes and three boxes of bubble gum cigars used for the "Go Fish" tournament.

3. Road warrior Cheney takes along trailer
Well, he has to hide the bodies somewhere.

4. Man writes check on 2-ply toilet paper
Never write a check your ass can't cash.

5. Pubs ban U.K. treasury chief after tax hike
What a novel idea! I wonder if our prostitues, pimps, escort services, and otherwise well-heeled special interests would do the same until our politicians stop taxing us to death?

6. Camels line up for Gulf beauty contest
While they claim it is a "scholarship" contest, I hear the camel with the biggest humps always wins.

7. Child molester killed in Canadian prison
And?

8. 6th World Choir Games set for China
I hear the sopranos are set to kick some butt. Well the castratos could try, but they lack the cajones for a real fight.

9. Blind allowed to hunt in Texas
Heh, Cheney will have competition.

10. Even dog prays at this temple
Praying to the porcelain god is nothing new.