Headlines!!!!

Just a warning, bad RT is surfacing today. She might be seen in the headlines.

1. Keith Richards: `I snorted my father'
That would explain why Richards looks 100 years old. (gag!) Well, at least Richards didn't smoke pops.

2. Swedish Couple Fights to Name Baby Girl 'Metallica'
I'm sure Lars Ulrich will find a way to sue them for copyright infringement.

3. Judge OKs trucker's new name: Ynot Bubba
Why not Bubba? When your mother and father name you Jebediah Zeke you just keep the name.

4. Panda Porn Fails; Zoo Turns to Insemination
Wait. Isn't the pRon supposed to cause the spermination? Maybe the panda pRon didn't work because pandas can't look at pRon and know what to do.

5. 700+ Pound Woman Trapped In N.J. Home
You can all breathe easy...not me.

6. Couple Welcomes Quintuplets On April Fool's Day
Ummm...don't think I'd be laughing. That would be a cruel, cruel joke to RT.

7. Children in India cheaper than buffaloes: report
Mmmmm....do they taste like BACON™???

8. Ethanol boom could worsen world hunger: study
Just shows that Al Gore has absolutely no clue what is best for us. Gore lied and children in third world countries died!

9. Antelope Squirrels and Muskrat Love in the Spring
I'm trying to imagine how to cross an antelope with a squirrel...ewwwww! What do the Captain and Tenniel have to do with antelopes and squirrels mating?

10. Heather Mills says she's no gold digger
Well there hasn't been a need since this was on the air.

11. Stay in a convent in Italy
Ok. My life is nun-like, anyway.

12. Bombs in breast milk?
Now I know my girls could feed a third world country, but serve as weapons of mass destruction?

13. Sports talk with John Kerry
"I was for the Red Sox before I realized they wore red. However, now I'm for the Yankees because they wear blue. No. Let me restate that. I'm for the Red Sox because they are from my home state. Wait. I live on an estate in Pennsylvania. So, the Pirates are my favorite. They named the stadium after my wife don't ya know? Oh wait, I take that back...the Steelers named their park after TAHRAAAAAAZA. Steelers? Wait, stop thieves!"

14. New Zealander to study heavy metal head-bangers
Briefly: People listen to heavy metal because they like it and the rebellious sub-culture formed by those who listen to the music. As head-bangers age, they assimilate into society because they have grown up; however, most still listen to the music from time to time BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT! They have also been known to develop a degenerative problem in the disks of the neck, thus headbanging is no longer possible.

15. 'Unsatisfied' 110-year old Saudi take second wife (replace 85-year old wife)
MAN-WHORE!!!! How dare he trade in his wife! Oh wait...he can still have sex...damn...I am impressed, well unless he can't finish the race.

16. Marines ban visible tattoos
RT and Rachel...not happy! However, that means we have to go on a reconnaissance mission to find the tats. Hoorah!

17. World's tallest man finds other half
I hear she's just the right height.

18. China to sack 'dead souls' and other slackers
Wait! They have democrats in public service, too? Oh yeah, they are Communists.

19. BLAIR: WE'VE GOT 48 HOURS...
Blair calls a press conference to declare his choice for movie-night.

20. Al Franken Stumps In Minnesota For Rural Vote: 'I just had a meeting about all the background of alfalfa'...
"Now I will investigate the backgrounds of Spanky, Froggy, Darla, and Buckwheat."

21. 40,000 YEARS AGO?: Ancient human unearthed in China...
Madam Speaker's prom picture unearthed.