Headlines of sorts

Just a warning...I'm really bored, and the brain is dull.

DEEP PAIN PIZZA: MAN 'CUT OFF HIS OWN PENIS IN RESTAURANT'...
Guess they were out of sausage?

Couric may leave CBS EVENING NEWS...
Any bets she lands at the view?

Rosie to Sheryl Crow: 'Have You Seen My Ass?'...
Please, Rosie, no one wants to see your ass. Heck, no one wants to see any part of you. That paper bag your girlfriend puts over your head is not some cute "game" she plays...like she said.


ALEC BALDWIN TAPES INTERVIEW; WANTS OUT OF TV...
YAY!!!! Wait. He doesn't keep his promises does he? Darnit!

Democrats slap Condi with subpoena...
Condi retorts with a stiletto heel right between the eyes. What? You thought it was just a fashion statement?

McCain formally announces his bid for president...
...to an empty room.

CLAIM: China to Force Rain Ahead of Olympics...
Ok. 1.) Where's Al Gore to complain about messing with nature? 2.) God won't like this.

Ore. gov. starts week on food stamps
Yeah, because a week of public assistance will teach him what it is like to be poor. Wait...he's an elected official. He is on public assistance, just on the upper end of the pay scale.

Lucas, Hamill reunite for "Star Wars" spoof
Are they that bored? I'm always bored, but you don't see me doing insanely dumb stuff to emabarrass myself in a public forum, do you? (ummm...oops)

Canada to ban incandescent light bulbs by 2012
Trust me, no "lightbulbs" have been going off up there in a long time (save for my family members who were very smart people, God rest their souls).

Boy gets toilet seat stuck on his head
Taking being anal to a new dimension.

Potentially habitable planet found
Let's start a list of who should be there: Gore, Baldwin, rabid dogs, Bjork,...

Addictive drugs harm brain's natural brake: study
Ummm, duh! That's why you get addicted!

Not So Smart? You Can Still be Rich!
See: Hollywood, sports stars, etc...

Spinal Tap reunites to fight climate change
Rumors have it that they will dress in fig leaves, Al Gore will be on drums, and in a hit against the regular old American "garden" cucumber, Derek Smalls will be using the English cucumber.

I thought 'An Inconvenient Truth' was a terrible idea: Gore
Oh, so money was the reason he did it.

Man accused of dental work in garage
Dental molding does not go in the mouth, idiot!

Egypt's 'Dr. Ruth:' Muslims need better sex
Yeah. We've seen what all that "frustration" can do.

Fraud probe sought after carbon offset industry found to suffer 'serious credibility concerns'...
Credibility concerns? No one saw this as a scam to begin with? Oh, but Gore stands to make lots of money from it. Duct tape, please!

Philadelphia Shuts Down Psychics...
Do you think they saw it coming?

Clinton Says Her Southern Twang a Virtue
To know what a virtue is, you have to have one first, condescending prick! Oh, come on...you know she has to have one!

M.I.T. Dean Of Admissions Admits To Falsifying Resume
Funny and ironic! Ummm...only took 28 years to find this out...guess they're not rocket scientists, afterall!

Judge mulls making alfalfa ban permanent
Darla is quite upset! Froggy is looking to move in on Alfalfa's territory.

Arctic reindeer may help cure disfiguring disease
Finally, Rudolph will be cured!