HEADLINES!!!!!

Animal activists want chimp declared a 'person'
Alec Baldwin is being used as an example as to why it should be so.

Grateful Dead memorabilia up for auction in S.F.
Roach clips and bongs, anyone? Eh...smelly t-shirts?

California Man May Go to Prison for Kissing on a Plane
We ain't gonna have no mutha fk'n kissing on no muthus fk'n plane!

Sheik Mohammed's Expensive Horse Obsession
It starts out with just a few donkeys and now this! Sick bastard.

Study: Doing Good Makes You Feel Good
Ummmmmm.....DUH!

Brazil nixes online ad for sale of wife
Guess it is a better alternative to divorce?

Orange-haired suspect arrested at salon
Ronald McDonald said to have been on a dye bender after hearing that Wendy was leaving him for Burger King--no more In and Out Burger for Ronald...so sad.

Teacher makes 7-year-old hit himself
Geesh. My mom always told me it was a game and that I'd like hitting myself. So, it is a bad thing?

Frog juice in high demand in Peru
Watch out for the chunky bits, though. Hard to swallow.

Canada Mints World's Biggest Gold Coin
I hear there is lots of yummy chocolate in the center.

Rest easy, folks, Kathie Lee Gifford has no live TV plans
Phhhhew! Here I was afraid I'd have to hear about how she can't keep an 80 year old man "happy."

Realtor's open house ruined by dead body on bed
It's a killer house, y'all!