GRADING + END OF THE MARKING PERIOD + ONE DAY TO GET IT ALL DONE = HEADLINES!!!!!!!

"Dem leadership pulls DC voting bill from floor; conservative Dems were supporting DC gun repeal...
Leader Hoyer seen yelling at staff on floor...
Speaker Pelosi absent because she is desperately searching for Iraq supplemental votes...
Holmes-Norton standing silently in disbelief."
Tick...tick....tick...BOOM! They've hit the self-destruct button. Ironically, while not included in the first 100 hours, the Devilcrats have actually accomplished something: making me laugh!

"World's first 'spinal transplant' carried out..."
Realizing his/her spine was not in use [insert name of favorite politician here] he/she donated it to someone who would show some backbone.

"HISTORIAN PLANS BOOK FROM CHATS, TAPES WITH BILL CLINTON..."
Unfortunately, heavy breathing doesn't sell many books. Pron? Yes. Books? No.

"HARVARD CLUB PROMOTES ABSTINENCE..."
Well this is a no-brainer! Trust me, those kids really don't need to be having sex. They think using pocket protectors is safe sex.

"Houdini kin wants body exhumed, tested"
Reports are that the casket had a trap door and the remains have yet to be found.

"Heavy metal soothes bright teens"
Finally, someone has confirmed what I thought for years! Heavy metal clears my brain. Gotta problem with it? Just needed some iron...Iron Maiden!

"Officials buy horns to counter coyotes"
I'm sure there is a joke in here about being horny or too horny (Can you be too horny? I mean I'm...nevermind.)

"Iran's president cancels U.N. appearance"
He's skeeerd! He heard the Statue of Liberty was planning a special "encounter" involving her torch.

"New Orleans residents arming themselves"
Ummm...this is news? It is New Orleans! (Oh wait. Beads aren't a weapon?)

"Coming soon to U.S. pumps: terror-free gasoline"
Researchers have finally found a way to incorporate bacon™ and SPAM into gasoline. The Monger Horde™ is said to be very pleased with this development.

"Is that chimp angry? Facial cues crucial"
I don't know about you, but I'm so glad to know that chimps provide facial cues about their anger, because every time I run into one when I'm out and about, I'm wondering if chimps are giving me dirty looks or if they just look that way.

"China backs away fom green plan"
Because, you know, green and red are just too "Christmas" for them.

"6th Graders Vote that Global Warming is not caused by humans..."
Third grade class president, Albert Gore, sent to the corner to wear a dunce cap.

"Lakers' Bryant joins Chamberlain in 50-50-50-50 club"
Next on Bryant's "to do" list is to break Chamberlain's groupie record.

"Brooklyn Museum unveils first feminist art center in U.S."
Bic and Gillette will not be asked to sponsor any exhibits.

"'Pimp Of The Year' Gets 23 Years In Federal Prison"
Now he's the bitch! Reports state that because he is no longer able to perform his duties as Pimp of the Year, his first runner up, Wyatt, will take the title.