You know why I posted this?

BECAUSE I CAN!!!!! Enjoy! :)

SCOTLAND THE BRAVE!!!!

To all my Scottish homies....Happy St. Andrew's Day!!!!! Have a pint for me!

FANTASY-LAND

Nancy Pelosi believes that "there's no Al-Qaeda in Iraq" (Drudge). I thought I'd pick her brain and see what other fantasies she has:

• The tooth fairy is real.
• Santa will be leaving me a million dollars and a handsome man under my tree.
• Bill Clinton didn't have sexual relations with "that woman."
• John Kerry is a war hero comparable to Rambo.
• The muppets are real.
• Men want to cuddle instead of having a sandwich.

Next thing you know we'll be hearing that Iran is our friend and that we should embrace diplomacy with them....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUPREME AND MOST HIGH OF ALL MONGERS!!!!!

Ok, before the kool-aid kicks in, go wish FIAR a very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

He's looking for some psychic ability from us regarding his future. I don't have the heart to tell him that he's hearing voices again, but he thinks people are asking him questions.

Here's a special birthday song for you, FIAR!

I have to get psychic and tell FIAR his future, now.

Things that manage to last longer than Mr. and Mrs. Kidd Rock's marriage:

10. Pam's implants

9. The length of time it takes to say, "bawitdaba-da-bang-da-dang-diggy-diggy-diggy-said-the
Boogie-said-up-jump-the-boogie"

8. The combined time of all four of their weddings

7. Flyers winning streak

6. The freshness of chewing gum once it has been chewed

5. Tommy Lee (sorry, had to say it)

4. My inane lists

3. K-Fed's career as a rapper

2. The time it took me to come up with this stupid list

1. The cool minty flavor of a tic-tac

Go visit Deathlok...NOW!

Deathlok is up and running again! Go visit and say hello. He has a fun birthdate thingy you can do (see mine below):

I ask you, is this a description of a Chief Mongress or what?

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet.

You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily.

Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail.

You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details.

Your strength: Your supreme genius

Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity

Your power color: Gold

Your power symbol: Star

Your power month: January

Global Funny!

There is a gentleman named Morris that comments on Insol's blog every now and then. I checked out his site and found this humorous joke. :)

Btw...got my laptop back today and I'm so happy I could spit!

What you talkin' 'bout Willis?

Today I came across a list of popular catchphrases found on television and in commercials.

"Aaaaay..." Fonzie

'I'm Rick James, bitch!" Chapelle

"Jane, you ignorant slut." SNL

"Where's the beef!?!?" Wendy's commercial

"Waaa, waaa, waaa..." Chachi (sp?) Happy Days

"Boss! The plane! The plane!" Fantasy Island

"I'm gonna cuff 'em and stuff 'em!" Dukes of Hazard

Well...these are some of my favorites. Share your favorites.

Seaching for ????? in all the wrong places!

Ok...after an emotional few days, from which I am trying recover, I have figured that I really have nothing to say. So...I've been keeping track of some odd searches (as I know you all do) that lead to my blog. Here are five of them:

1. "you should never shove a banger up your arse at halloween video"

2. "Love" (Huh? Am I capable?)

3. "free lewis fraks after the war" (What the frak?)

4. "scientific term for poo" (Ummm...wouldn't it be poo?)

So y'all, I'm going to bed early. I had a long day of teenagers deciding that they didn't need to listen to me while I taught the finer points of how Shakespeare chopped up the English language to suit his rhythmic and poetic purposes. I'm beat.

Nightie, night.

Mel Brooks: Humor is just another defense against the universe.

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

Turn that frown upside down...

First, I want to thank you all for reading my meltdown. There are more important things in the world and people experiencing way more hardship than I do.

The past few years have been quite frustrating. My health, my mom losing her job, one grandparent dying, then another willing herself to die, and a father who is like a child...well...it all gets to be a bit much. To compound it all, I've put a lot of things I've wanted "on hold."

So...I'm gonna make a short list of things that are selfish on my part, but I hope ease my frustration.

1. Lose the weight and stop talking about it.
2. Make time to get fresh air.
3. Leave school at school.
4. Stop whining. :)
5. Find a partner in crime with whom I can have much fun...(Kept that one clean, didn't I?)

A positive attitude has to begin somewhere. I can't let other people dictate my happiness. Hell, they've dictated how miserable I have become.

Thank you, all, for your patience with my rant and my "thinking aloud" to figure out a solution.

If none of this works, I can always tell them all to get bent, get a job, get some balls, and I'm leaving.

Enter Buzz Kill

See...I knew it was too good to be true. I didn't have any drama and became all full of Christmas chill. Then my dad calls. To be fair, he is slow...not a joke, he is slow. He lost oxygen when he was born and he never matured past 18. Now...as he gets older...he is more like a little kid and I'm his mommy, at least it feels that way. He is pseudo caring for my bed-ridden grandmom. I noticed some changes in her ability to talk the other day and he became angry, "I'm not a doctor.. blah, blah, blah..." I told him to tell the visiting doctors. Anyway...the nurse they have is not the best and she has been calling out (a replacement comes). My dad complains that it's like picking up after a little kid (trust me, he doesn't even come close to knowing what that means...he sent his $15 a week and complained). Whatever...my point...he can't care for her, he becomes overwhelmed. My grandmother and father have banished the rest of the family (my banishment for speaking up about my grandmother's care lasted a month...just when I was ready to experience some freedom they sucked me back in). Ok...you're getting the point: My dad is ineffective and afraid of his mother. He's afraid she'll kick him out of the house if he asserts himself with regard to her care. So I told him that he might have to make decisions grandmom doesn't like. Then he totally turned things on me and said, "Well, what is your mother doing? You're supporting her and blah effin blah!" P.S. My grandmother practically supports my dad...oh what a fraked up family. I've actually had a girl I confide in at work ask how I am so normal (I sleep and avoid lengthy conversations with my mom and dad.).

I don't know why I'm telling you all this. My grandmom needs to be getting better care. My dad needs to not have situations he cannot deal with because of his cognitive problems thrust upon him.

I need to have other things to think about. I offered my experience and knowledge after observing what my mom and aunts went through with my other grandmother. I was told that I didn't know anything. That's what my dad's mom thinks of me. I'm the almost bastard child and will always be as such. (Lucky my parents got married two months before I was born, eh?) Great ....now I'm thinking about my lovely childhood. I'm gonna stop now. But I am just so tired of everyone's crap. I want my mom to get a friggin' job, so I can have my own life. I want my dad to grow some balls and use them. I want my grandmom to stop controlling my dad's mind. (Gwd...I just tried to use my space bar like the mouse pad on my laptop=-=I want that back, too damnit!) I want my grandmom to realize she belongs in a long-term care facility. I'd check them out, first. I wouldn't let her go into a nasty place. She keeps telling me she wants to die, but God is taking an awfully long time to do it. Thursday, she wasn't able to say more than a few words to me. I'm sorry everyone. I need to vent and I really have no one to vent to, except my mom, but she's the ex-wife/ex-daughter-in-law told nasty things to when she tried to help make sure they were fed over the past winter when my grandmom came home from the hospital.

Anyone got a cabin somewhere that I can runaway to? When do I get my own life. Damn. Again, I'm sorry. I'll go back to the inane RT. :) Seriously...I could use a place to hide for like ever.

Holiday Cheer!

For some reason I am full of Christmas cheer already. Hopefully that is a good sign, as I am usually really stressed out this time of the year...well, until February. With that said, I have planned Christmas surprises for my blog list. Beginning December 5th or 6th(until Christmas Eve), you will see what I would give you for Christmas if I actually knew y'all. In addition, you can expect some linky-dinkness.

Until then, enjoy yet another sampling of YouTube. I think you will all like this song.

My name is Kyle and I have a poo problem...

South Park has a personality quiz over at Comedy Central's website. Apparently, I'm Kyle. Great. Actually, after looking at the Wikipedia site, I'm more like him than I thought. Scary.

Go ahead and see which loser, I mean character, you are. You know you want to, really. It won't hurt. I promise.

*P.S. I know that is Cartman.

Family Fun-Fest!

Cousin H (37 years old): Why did you guys quit the guild? I go through all that trouble and you guys quit the guild!

Cousin H's nephews (ages 13 and 15):
Huh?

Cousin H: And thanks for the spam!

Nephews: I fixed that.

Me: What are you yelling at them for?

Cousin H: Because they don't listen.

Me: They're teenagers....duh. What are you guys talking about anyway?

Cousin H: World of Warcraft. (Keep in mind when I got there he was playing video games, then when the boys arrived...all they talked about was W/W, and then after dinner, they played W/W and talked about W/w.)

Me: Oh gawd! Did you guys see South P0rk? Do you see the irony? (Oops, he doesn't know what irony is.)

Cousin H: Well, I'm on like level 60 and they're level 15, and I take them in with me and they run off on their own to battle elite players and they screw up and start yelling, "save me."

Me: (In my head...) Ok, at least I blog with real people. At least I think they are real. Wait...I'm a mongress, damn. Cousin H, I think he might still be a virgin.

****
He did tell me that he has all kinds of women interested in him, but I told him if you have to pay for it, it doesn't count.

I hung out with my other cousin and HIS husband the rest of the night. They are much saner.
****

Other fun stuff:
My aunt's grown children giving her wet willies all evening, my cousins (same grown adults) throwing olives at each other, my cousin H totally walking into a there's-nothing-between-his-legs-but-an-olive joke because of the food bouncing off his stomach onto the floor, landing between his legs.

Here's the truly priceless one...My cousin's husband made everyone get quiet as if something important was about to be said. All he wanted was to see a Geico commercial he hadn't seen before (you know the ones with the angry caveman). Yep..that was worth the demand of silence.

Overall...I really enjoyed myself. Hey...I wasn't the brunt of the jokes!

As per Dragon Lady, a cd review

A few posts down from this I provided a clip of Shinedown. I've been listening to their newest cd, Us and Them. It is pretty good. I've been listening to it for about a month. The more I listen to it, the more it grows on me.

I especially like the lead singer, Brent Smith's, voice. He has really good range and control. I think he has some tonal qualities comparable to the singer from the Guess Who.

So...here is the song I've been repeating a lot in my car. I sing it up and down 2-95. So far, I have not been pulled over by the troopers for noise pollution. ;P

**This isn't the band's video, this someone putting anime to song. I'm liking the anime. Anime guys are hot! Well...in a fantasy kind of way. If you visit a sites that provide music or such they have sample clips of the songs.

Go-Daddy-Go!!!!

I'm sure you all heard this story, but it is worth reading. Bush, Sr. kicked some ungrateful ass!

See what happens when people don't understand what thankfulness means. Ingrates!

I LOVE AMERICAN MEN!!!!!!

I saw this joke, but I didn't want to post it on the blog because I thought it would undercut the sincerity of my Thanksgiving post (well except for the murdered turkey©).

Giving Thanks

I'm thankful that I have a mom that stood by me when most parents would have said, "hit the bricks, loser!"

I'm thankful that I have a better friendship/relationship with my dad...something I never thought would be the case.

I'm thankful that I have been able to go from high school dropout to a college graduate (with highest honors)...with some grad classes completed, too.

I'm thankful that I did not have to endure what my friends and acquaintances from my past have had to endure: rehab, aids, jail, and all-around misery.

I'm thankful that God saw fit to bless me with so many instances of protection from harm--physical and legal, and that He saw fit to allow change when so many others suffer in pitiful circumstances.

I'm thankful that while my life is far from perfect or what I would like it to be, that I have a roof over my head, I'm not starving, I have a decent car and that I have an enjoyable, good job (most days).

I'm thankful for my blog buddies. You all have had kind words for my hurts and laughter for my bad jokes.

Finally, I'm sooooooooo very thankful for BACON®!!!!! (Sorry, had to slip that into the post.)

Just in case I don't run into y'all sometime tomorrow, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone!

THE BENEFITS OF BACON®

The Benefits of Bacon®

The benefits of bacon are numerous. For men, ingesting protein-rich bacon® provides virility and the ability to think clearly. Therefore, for the benefit of your mongress and the benefit of your fellow warriors, (who depend on you to bring all you have to battle) eat your bacon®...daily.

Women, you must eat your bacon®, too. It will provide you with the fat needed for warmth while the monger in your life is at battle and you are alone. It also provides the means by which you can be identified as a supporting member of the Monger Horde™, since the women lack the bacon® tattoo the mongers display.

Overall, all mongers and mongresses must be mindful to eat their daily servings of bacon®. Why? Do you want to be like the plant eating, vulgar vegans and their supporters...the likes of Cindy Sheehan, Ted Kennedy, and John Kerry? Do you want to end up like them? First they want the troops out of Iraq and then to spite the home of the Horde, they might reinstate the draft? Obviously, not eating bacon causes the brain to confuse and contradict beliefs. One might even argue that the lack of bacon causes one to state one belief, never really hold that belief, and then claim another belief. Other signs of bacon® deprivation: Naming a dog Splash after an accident causes the drowning of a companion, marrying a ketchup heir, and having media-affairs with the leaders of Socialist and rogue states.

For your consumption, a short list of mongerlicious© ideas on how to eat/serve bacon:
BLT
Bacon, cheese, and chicken sandwich
Bacon wrapped shrimp
Bacon wrapped filet mignon
Bacon, eggs, and home fries
Bacon infused chowder soups

Thank goodness the battle cry of the Monger Horde™ is not beans.