Dear Diary. . .

What is a sad, EMO, terrorist to do when his plans don't go as he thought they would and his cause looks pathetic? He turns to pen and paper to write down his heart-felt lament.

A few months ago U.S. soldiers raided a house and found a diary that claims to be written by Al-Qaeda in Iraq leader, Abu Tariq. Poor Bubu. Life in the insurgency has left him a bit jaded:

Dear Diary,

I don't know what to say. When I came here, I left a life of luxury. I had the finest camels and tents in town. I thought I could expand that by gaining influence in a part of Iraq. Alas, being a terrorist is hard work. People are so unreliable. I've gone from 600 men to 20 (guess telling them to blow themselves up for virgins presents staffing problems), the fools have lost weapons (note: don't bury stuff in sand for safe keeping), and we've lost our support from the Sunni leaders. They keep helping the U.S.

What does the U.S. have that I don't? I give the men a safe house and the finest in explosive devices. I offer them the gift of witty, intelligent conversation and a kick-ass hookah. I even import the best "tobacco."

How do they repay me? By stomping on my good name with betrayal! Why, my boyfriend, errrr, wife, might as well be seen with another man at the local sweet shop or something!

After I finish a pint of Ben and Jerry's, Tahini and Date Swirl, I will find those who have betrayed me, stomp my feet, gnash my teeth, and tell them they had better re-join my cause or I will cry. That should work.

Maybe I should call my mommy. She always told me I was special and the best at whatever I do. Mommy will make me feel better.

What's the use? None of the crying and talking to my mommy will work. I'm going to go dye my hair black, wear black nail polish, and put on some eyeliner. That should make those that hurt my feelings see that they were really mean and stupid.

Lesson learned: Don't believe people when they say they will be your BFF! They lie!

(H/T: MSNBC)