Confucius say RT need life!

On my custom google page, I have a fortune cookie generator. I flipped through and these stood out to me.

1. Your love life will be happy and harmonious. Ummm....when?

2. You are talented with your hands. Eh....that could go so many places. I'm trying to be good these days, but apparently not good enough that I didn't edit this from the list...oh heck! Nope...not gonna do it.

3. A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. Would this go with #1?

4. You should be able to make money and hold onto it. Aren't you supposed to spend money? That reminds me that I have to do my taxes.

5. Beware of odors from unfamiliar sources. Ever been around 1600 teenagers? Ever been around adolescent boys after gym when they think cologne beats a shower? I'm gonna puke now. I've gotten really good at holding my breath.

6. For better luck you have to wait till spring. Umm...hello! It is spring!!!!!!!!!!!! Wonder what kind of better luck I'll have. You'll notice it said "better" luck, not "good" luck. Since I have nothing but bad luck...guess better bad luck will be had.

7. Now is a good time to start something new. Now this one I like. I'd like to start a new car. What else can I start?

8. Stay the curse. I'm assuming this was a typo, but it made me laugh. Should I send this to my favorite Philly sports teams, or would that be redundant? (It is also pretty fitting for my life.)

9. You will soon bring joy to someone. I wonder what kind of joy? I'd like to bring joy to someone.

10. Luck will visit you on the next full moon. Ok. My "current moon phase" box on my custom Google page reports, "Waxing Gibbous, 97 percent of Full" for today. So tomorrow or Monday should be a full moon. I'll let you know if luck visits me.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday morning, I will NOT have to get up at 4:00 a.m.

Monday morning, I will NOT have to worry about unprepared teenagers who are brimming with apathy.

Monday morning, I will be taking a day-trip somewhere. Where? No clue. I was going to go whale and dolphin watching off of Cape May this weekend, but I'm too tired to meet someone else's "schedule." I'd probably miss the boat. (I seem to miss "the boat" a lot.)

I just wanted to rub it in that I'll have off all week and don't go back to school until Tuesday, April 10. Wow...I could get into so much trouble (good/fun-trouble).

Why? (Warning: I'm probably gonna curse.)

Why?????

• can't I get to sleep?
• can't Rosie keep her mouth shut? (She's giving us ugly, fat girls a bad name.)
• can't it be June?
• do people have to be so shitty toward each other?
• do I feel like a lab experiment gone wrong?
• won't my mom get a job?
• did my grandmom have to die? (I still need her.)
• am I writing all of this? (Oh yeah, I can't get to sleep--leg cramps--for hours and hours)
• does my best (and only) friend have to move really far away in three months?
• do all my blog buddies seem to be disappearing?

Sorry guys...had to vent....it has been a very stressful, tiring, hard week. I'm burned out, fried.

Funnies! (His heart doesn't really sound in it, though.)

One more day!

My spring break begins tomorrow at 2:50 p.m. I cannot tell you how much I need this break. During this week I have not had any time during school to actually prep or grade (evacuations/drills/doing paperwork that has nothing to do with teaching).

However, I am in the midst of planning a sweet field trip for a couple of my classes. If it all turns out well, we will be meeting with some very important (and self-important) people. It will be in a few weeks, so I will talk about it when the time comes. It is so awesome that y'all are gonna be jealous...well, most of you. Got any guesses?

Now. During spring break I have a hair appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment with the doctor that looks after my thyroid. I have at least four days (weekends included) where I can do whatever I want! I haven't been able to say that since the summer. We all know how my Christmas break went, so I am really, really looking forward to the next ten days or so.

By the way...I think Maddam Speaker needs to get a grip.

Reason 1,000,001: Why I am warped!

Today, in school, in the midst of a dog search, bag search, evacuation, kids doing stuff they shouldn't to the paper (that could get me in a shiteload of trouble), and a parent meeting scheduled during my only prep, I had a student go up to a wall map of the world and put his fists at either side of the top of this picture. He then proclaimed, "Thank God for the America." (He's not a native speaker.) I was so drained by time I had this kid that all I could do was laugh (after I admonished him). Yep, folks, this is what it is like. I'm glad I have a beer in the frige.

Question: Is it a bad thing that I puposely slowed down in front of a Harley to keep him stuck behind me, so that I could hear the bike? Just wonderin'.

My blog buddies showing their mad skills...hate the game, not the player!

Not that this is a bad thing...

It's Sunday!

I wanted to go to church, but my restlessness has won out and I know that if I fall asleep now, I won't wake up for church. I'm really tired of that happening. You see, I've been making some changes in my life...of a spiritual nature...back to where I belong, to whom I belong. However, I'm gripped by restlessness and can't properly sleep. So every Saturday night it is the same thing...can't sleep and then I can't go to church. Bugs me. So...I guess I'll be watching church on television, again. Hrrrrumphhhh.

GRADING + END OF THE MARKING PERIOD + ONE DAY TO GET IT ALL DONE = HEADLINES!!!!!!!

"Dem leadership pulls DC voting bill from floor; conservative Dems were supporting DC gun repeal...
Leader Hoyer seen yelling at staff on floor...
Speaker Pelosi absent because she is desperately searching for Iraq supplemental votes...
Holmes-Norton standing silently in disbelief."
Tick...tick....tick...BOOM! They've hit the self-destruct button. Ironically, while not included in the first 100 hours, the Devilcrats have actually accomplished something: making me laugh!

"World's first 'spinal transplant' carried out..."
Realizing his/her spine was not in use [insert name of favorite politician here] he/she donated it to someone who would show some backbone.

"HISTORIAN PLANS BOOK FROM CHATS, TAPES WITH BILL CLINTON..."
Unfortunately, heavy breathing doesn't sell many books. Pron? Yes. Books? No.

"HARVARD CLUB PROMOTES ABSTINENCE..."
Well this is a no-brainer! Trust me, those kids really don't need to be having sex. They think using pocket protectors is safe sex.

"Houdini kin wants body exhumed, tested"
Reports are that the casket had a trap door and the remains have yet to be found.

"Heavy metal soothes bright teens"
Finally, someone has confirmed what I thought for years! Heavy metal clears my brain. Gotta problem with it? Just needed some iron...Iron Maiden!

"Officials buy horns to counter coyotes"
I'm sure there is a joke in here about being horny or too horny (Can you be too horny? I mean I'm...nevermind.)

"Iran's president cancels U.N. appearance"
He's skeeerd! He heard the Statue of Liberty was planning a special "encounter" involving her torch.

"New Orleans residents arming themselves"
Ummm...this is news? It is New Orleans! (Oh wait. Beads aren't a weapon?)

"Coming soon to U.S. pumps: terror-free gasoline"
Researchers have finally found a way to incorporate bacon™ and SPAM into gasoline. The Monger Horde™ is said to be very pleased with this development.

"Is that chimp angry? Facial cues crucial"
I don't know about you, but I'm so glad to know that chimps provide facial cues about their anger, because every time I run into one when I'm out and about, I'm wondering if chimps are giving me dirty looks or if they just look that way.

"China backs away fom green plan"
Because, you know, green and red are just too "Christmas" for them.

"6th Graders Vote that Global Warming is not caused by humans..."
Third grade class president, Albert Gore, sent to the corner to wear a dunce cap.

"Lakers' Bryant joins Chamberlain in 50-50-50-50 club"
Next on Bryant's "to do" list is to break Chamberlain's groupie record.

"Brooklyn Museum unveils first feminist art center in U.S."
Bic and Gillette will not be asked to sponsor any exhibits.

"'Pimp Of The Year' Gets 23 Years In Federal Prison"
Now he's the bitch! Reports state that because he is no longer able to perform his duties as Pimp of the Year, his first runner up, Wyatt, will take the title.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every now and then you just need a little therapy, eh? Enjoy the video.

I should be asleep.

I tried going to bed two hours ago. My legs and feet decided to have a party and didn't invite me. I think my thyroid is punking out again. My legs and feet are cramping for the second night in a row. I'm used to the "signs." This hasn't happened in a while. I see the appropriate doctor in a couple of weeks, so I'm chill. Just in pain and can't sleep. Grrrrrrrrr....

So what kind of stupid stuff can I say tonight?

The moving thing is looking for real in about a year. Who knnows? It could happen sooner. I'm trying to just take it as it comes, but I will almost most definitely be moving to a warmer climate. Some cold is better than bitter cold.

Hmmmm. Nothing else to report. I think I'll hook you all up with some linky dinks soon and post the winners of the caption contest a few people decided to try. You'd think Gore would invoke more silliness. Guess not. He really is an ass. Doesn't anyone on the left remember the PMRC? Doesn't the idea of censorship bother them? Oh, yeah. These are the same people that burn a soldier in effigy (not checking my spelling tonight) and fight for the right to kill babies. Ok, sorry I forgot there for a second. Figures that people with the stankiest breath have the biggest mouths and blow the hottest air. PU!

Note to self and other people's cell phone conversations

Note to self:
1. Don't have Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" as a ringtone when you're 50.

A cell phone conversation in a diner with my embellishments:
(Imagine the most obnoxious and loud Jersey accent you can.)

"Hey, where you at!?!?"

(English teacher cringes because a sentence was ended with a preposition.)

"Yeah, it's the first day of spring!"

(Ummm...actually at 8:07 P.M. it will be spring, but tomorrow is the first full day.)

"How's Aiden's face!?!?!"

(Probably mauled by a killer bunny rabbit or something.)

Meanwhile in a corner of the diner there is a woman (who I actually feel very sorry for) who is literally pulling out her hair and hitting her head against the wall. After she does this a few times, she pulls out her eyelashes. THEN she whips out a pair of scissors and proceeds to cut the insides of her wallet into tiny pieces. She's cutting all kinds of other things, too. ( I really felt sad for the woman, but really scared, too.)

Gotta love Jersey!

This blows in a good way!

After subtracting at least six or so of my own hits to myself (sounds a little abusive) I think I figured out who my 5000th hit was: VON! So, in honor of his hit, I've decided to feed a fetish of his. I need to go pray, now.

I'm sorry.

Folks, I realize my posts of late have been quite "fluffy." Not that I am known for my profound thoughts on this site, but I at least want to give the impression that I have some insight every now and then.

The past few months have been tiring and emotional. I have five classes for which preparation is separate/distinct. While I don't expect you to understand what that means to a teacher that possesses high standards for herself and her students, just know that I spent the last four hours on creating quizzes for only two of those classes. I still have three more classes to prepare. Luckily, I have my plan outlined and can take care of those classes the day before each class meets. Over the next two weeks I'll grade 80 quizzes, at least 360 assignments (if not more), 50-60 essays, and 200 articles. I've actually cut back a little bit since my health scare three years ago. It will all get done and I'll spend the better part of the next two weeks after school with one group (helps get the grading done, anyway).

So, I expect you'll see more fluff. I might have life-altering news in the coming months, as I might be moving (What did you think it would be?). My dad is in control of that blessing...and it is a blessing. Depending on where I end up, it could mean finding a new job. That, my friends, is another stress in itself.

I have a lot going on in my average mind right about now.

I'll try to post something of substance soon.

Two more weeks until my spring break! Maybe I'll be able to form a coherent thought at that point.

Something a little fun...

The truth about St. Patrick

Once you read what I have uncovered about St. Patrick, you'll never look at St. Patrick's day the same ever again. 'Tis a sad day to be wearin' the green. The truth about Saint Patrick:

1. St. Patrick was an occupier. He really wasn't welcome in Ireland.

2. He was intolerant of others' religious beliefs. Ireland was fine until Christianity came along.

3. Ireland never had snakes. It was all a lie. St. Patrick lied and Pagans died!!!!!

4. Born to a wealthy family, he and his well-heeled cronies, the Leprechauns, devised a plot to take over Ireland in their "War for Guinness."

5. St. Patrick wasn't really a saint. Like all leaders who take over a country and its ideologies, he was given the title by the people he brainwashed, not the entity that has the control to give the title.

KISS ME! I'M IRISH. And....here's a song by my favorite Irish band.
HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

Finish the thought...

I wish_________.

(funny or serious...whatever you wish-ha!)

3/16: Ummmmm....I wish it didn't take me two hours to get home from work, today. Grrrrrrrr!

Hits needed to reach 5000: 49!!!!!!!! YIPPEEEE!
I'm such a hit whore.

Oh FOOEY!

There is just something about this song and the guy singing it. Grohl is happenin'.

HIT MEH!!!

Ninety-three is the magic number, folks. It isn't just the number of attorneys that Clinton dismissed (yup...didn't see the devilcrats crying over that one). Ninety-three is the magic number of hits I need to reach 5,000. Now, granted, I'm responsible for at least 4,000 of those hits, but I can't hit myself 93 times, that would hurt--a lot. I'd be bruised. You don't want me bruised and battered do you?

I'd make promises in exchange for your hits, but you are all female, married, or engaged. I don't go in any of those directions. So all I can promise is that I will continue to hit you all many times a day, just about every day.

Update: 3/15/07-I now need 69 hits!!!! Heh...69.

CAPTION CONTEST!!! Well, everbody's doing it!

I've decided to throw my hat in the ring. Since everyone is running a caption contest, I will, too. I will post the winners Sunday around race time.

I'm gonna go get an attitude adjustment, now. I'd say I'm gonna go get me some, but you know...it isn't quite the end of the world and hell hasn't frozen over just yet. Beer will have to do. Enjoy the contest! (Sorry, folks...that was "bad RT"...she's hard to control sometimes, but I don't edit her, either.)

That blows!

I'm in a grumble-guss kind of mood. It just sucks how one person can come back to haunt you and cause you unneeded grrrr when you otherwise feel happy....the happiest in years. So, since I'm feeling full of Wyatt-like bile, I thought I'd try something called "that blows!"

I had my new contact lenses less than 24 hours and one ripped....that blows. (Got a new one for free...all is well...still blows, though.)

I chipped a nail today. That blows.

I'm closer to 40 than I am 30. That blows.

I have about ten hours worth of grading to do (all of which was collected today) and more to add onto the pile, tomorrow. Yeah, that really blows.

I can't write what I really want to write....that blows. You know it is bad when you are censoring yourself.

I think I need to go eat some bacon™ or something. Wait, I don't have bacon™...that blows..

When you've got nothing else to say...

No friggin' clue...

I have no clue today. I have been really busy and have a lovely sinus infection. So, I've been posting a lot of bullpucky. Oh well...y'all seem entertained to some degree.

Here's what I've been up to, besides 5'10": I've been losing weight (people are noticing). I got contact lenses, today. Ummmm....I might be looking (seriously) for a house soon, within the next six months or so. No clue where, yet; well, I have a clue, but I don't want to discuss it just yet. At least not in this forum.

My mom has developed the annoying habit of coming into my room, my domain, and sitting on my bed to talk to me. (Can I have that house, now?) Anyone got a nice male relative in his sixties? She can be moody and lazy, but she's a great cook! (restaurant family)

So, this week is St. Patty's day, eh? My grandmom, Northern Irish, used to tell me to wear orange just to piss off the Catholics. My whole town is veryyyyyy Catholic. I don't think that would have gone over very well. She was a pistol, she was. Redhead. (Not the one that just died; the one that just died was quite Scottish, Anglican and blonde.) For years the Scottish in me has never allowed me to admit I am Irish. Now I just look at is as the Scottish and the Irish are fighting the English in me. Hey, it works. I'll be wearing green in honor of my heritage and in honor of some Irish knight I am supposedly related to. His name was Whyte. (Sometimes I think grandparents have vivid imaginations.)

Yep, I have no friggin' clue, tonight.

I'm still experiencing much happiness (happier than I've been in years) and general non-grumpiness. That's the important thing.
If you have any ideas about a post I can do, feel free to put in a suggestion or a request. I aim to please.

I'm going to go channel surf between The Riches (love Eddie Izzard) and the Flyers. Somehow I think I'll lose interest in the Flyers. I'll get three hours of sleep, but I'll still be HAPPY, darnit! Oh, and here is a little something to get ready for St. Patty's day! Well, it makes me think of drinking!

Have some cake!

REMEMBER, IT IS NO FUN UNLESS WE ALL KNOW WHY YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE!

You Are Strawberry Cake

Fresh, sassy, and romantic. You're a total flirt, who never would turn down a sugary treat. Occasionally you're a bit moody - but you usually stay sweet!

What Kind of Cake Are You?

Form of a Saturday morning cartoon!

Well, do ya?

Get yer headlines!!!!

"'Green Sex' Promoted to help Protect the Environment": Kermit the frog is said to be very excited!

"LIBEL: Restaurant Lawsuit Against Critic Who Called Steak 'Tough and Fatty'": I'm tough and fatty and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Doesn't fatty = flavor? Just sayin'.

"Denver Unveils Parking Meters for Homeless": Now they must beg for quarters and sleep in shifts.

"Wired Iraqi man questioned at L.A. airport; object found in body cavity search": Given one-way ticket to San Francisco.

"Scientists study Earth's missing crust": Rosie, hearing that the Earth has a crust, mistakes it for apple pie and takes a big bite.

"The World's Most Explosive Tongue": How'd my secret get out? Hey...a little self-promotion isn't bad, though, right? Did I ever mention that I have a slight lisp because my tongue is too long for my mouth (just a little too long)?

"Scientists find distinct 'dialects' in whale singing": Rosie seems to be fluent in all of them.

"More than 30 Vermont towns seek to impeach Bush": The proof that maple syrup rots the brain, frickin' hairy hippies.

"Turkish court orders YouTube blocked": RT Tube, however, can never be contained!!! Buuuhhahwhahahwhwhwahwh!

"Warning: Don't spam this Scot": Just in case you were thinking of it...don't do it! I'll kick your arse!

"Rare Mekong dolphin making a comeback": Von is very excited and is booking his flight.

"Meat-loving calf eats chickens": The calf is just following the marketing campaign of Chic-Fil-A.

"Catfish assault reported at Tenn. diner": For the love of God! Why are people beating up fish? What's next? Giving hushpuppies a curb-job? Dang.

"Cops: Groom hit his bride with car": He was just trying to get the sickness and 'til death do us part section of the vows out of the way.

A mind can be a scary thing when not in use.

All this week I have been involved with state testing and well, since we're not supposed to take anything to grade into the room with me, I realized I had tons of time to think. This is normally quite dangerous because I tend to just think about adult, indoor sporting events. Today, though, I made a conscious effort to think about other things. For example:

I pondered some of life's biggest questions:
1. Why do old women smell like moth balls? Are those the only balls they ever see at their age?

2. Why does bacon™ taste so good?

3. Why am I so ornery?

4. Why are we paralyzed by our fears?

5. Why do I sleep better after I've had a beer?

Then, thinking about my slippery drive into school, I made a resolution. Yeah. I know January 1 was like three months ago.
I have resolved that I will move somewhere that shuts down even at the hint of snow.

Finally, I thought of what might be my perfect "ordinary" day if I had a choice:
1. Wake up after eight hours of sleep, not four or five.
2. Eat breakfast, not inhale it.
3. Clean the house...in my perfect world, I'd have a house.
4. Exercise for like an hour.
5. Lunch/run errands
6. Chill for a little while.
7. Make dinner, have a beer, oooo and in a perfect world I'd get some.
8. Sleep for eight hours.

Yeah...I wouldn't have a job, but I'd be happy. :) Ok, so that is my sad little mind at work when it has nothing else to do.

Hope you had time to think, today.

Just chillin'

I've been trying to think of something to post that will "grab" your attention, something stirring. Eh...can't think of anything that I'd like to say, really. There are always the present controversies over what Ms. Coulter said and no controversy over what Bill Maher said. I could also post about how the world is crumbling and take my guesses as to when our lovely earth is just gonna blow to smithereens. I don't feel like dwelling on the negative, though. As of late, I've been feeling pretty positive, pretty happy. That doesn't mean I don't think about the general state of "ick" in which this world seems to wallow. There are always death, destruction, hate, and anything else that is bad that you can think of. I want to be different, today.

I was thinking, though. I'm an American woman, given to my whims. I'm allowed to be given to my whims. My religion says I have a choice and so do the documents left by my forefathers. Eventually, people even saw fit to give my sex the power to vote (a sense of power, even to this day, I can't describe). I realized looking at all this freedom and choice staring me in the face that I limit myself. I hold back on what I want. I don't speak up for myself nearly enough. Why? Who knows? I don't think it is part of any patriarchal hold on my life. But tonight I realized I need to start voicing things for myself. I've been watching what women around this world experience. Large numbers are mutilated, killed, sold, abused, and not allowed to speak out for themselves. In a lot of areas of the world women are seen as a liability and a burden.

I think what I'm getting at is just how grateful I am to live in a country where I can express myself. I'm grateful that I have an education and basic rights that women elsewhere do not possess.

I don't think we stop enough to count our very basic blessings. I didn't have to eat bugs to survive, today. I didn't have to wonder where my next meal was coming from. I didn't have to worry about being sold into any situation obviously bad for a woman. I got to wake up, put on my television, get ready for work, hang out with some kids and teach them, come home, take a long nap, and then write this post. While it sounds boring and might be driving me to tears at times, it is a life I would gladly NOT exchange with another.

Happy Monday, everyone: Four more days to go until Friday!

Sometimes you just need some Maiden!

Hate when that happens...

I hate when some idiot's car horn/alarm goes off when I am about to drift off to sleep (at a normal hour, no less). I hate when that happens!

Behold, Queen of Saturn!!!!

You Should Rule Saturn

Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye. You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature. And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone delve beyond your appearance. You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life. You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has past.

What Planet Should You Rule?

BTW!!!! If you do this and post which planet is matched to you, please state why...makes things more interesting. :)

Much warmth, lots of sun = AHHHHHHHHH!

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.


~William Wordsworth

Happy birthday to a rock icon!

Today is Roger Daltrey's birthday. He is one of my favorite rock singers of all time. He's not bad on the eyes, either. HA! Well...he did have that long-ish wavy, curly hair. Mmmmmmmmm.

No, I don't want to take a number.

Today was the first day in over a week I could really run any errands after school, so I went to three places, all of which required waiting. First stop? NJ inspection station to get my car inspected. Yay. As there were two cars in front of mine once I was inside the station, I had to stand for a half an hour for what takes about five minutes or ten minutes, tops. The car passed. Unfortunately for me the guy doing the inspection was about four inches shorter than me and when I got in my car the steering wheel performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me. That's ok, dude. I didn't need those ribs.

Then I went to Target. I bought way too much stuff and of course they had three cashiers to wait on about twenty people with lots of stuff. (Are you sensing my impatience?)

Finally, I was off to pick up a pair of shoes that I ordered over a month ago from my shoe store. When you teach, good shoes are really important or you'll ruin your back and feet. So when I walk into the store, it is really busy, but there is a woman at the register taking a phone call. When she is finished with the customer service call, she asks what I need and I tell her that I'm just picking up shoes that I ordered (paid for, too). In her mommish, looking down her nose at me voice, "Well, ma'am have you taken a number [yes, they are that busy of a store]? We like for customers to try the shoes on, first."

"No, I didn't take a number and I tried the shoes on when I paid for them. I had to order black when all you had was blue. I should be fine."

"Ma'am. Are you sure you don't want to take a number and try on the shoes?"

"Yes."

Mommish and annoying, "Oooooookayyyyyy."

When she returned with the shoes, she showed them to me so that I could identify them (didn't realize it was a line-up. "Yes, officer. Those shoes are responsible for me kicking that woman's ass if she doesn't let me out of her store any time soon.")

So then I make the mistake of telling her I'd like to purchase a shoe horn. Ugh. Again, as slow as a new bottle of ketchup and mommish, "Which one would you like?"

"Umm, any one of those hanging behind you is fine."

"Which color would you like?"

"Any color." (Stares at me blankly.) "Ok, that yellow one." At this point I'm about to deck her.

Then she says, "Hmm. I just don't know if these are the shoes marked on the 'paid for' part of your history card. One moment." (I went there last week to inquire about my long-lost shoes and the owner waited on me. I know those are the shoes I paid for, damnit!) "Jim...could you come here for a minute?" He's got the oh, shite, I've got to talk to that annoying woman look on his face. "Are these the shoes marked 'paid for' on this card?"

"Yes, it says it right there." (In my head..."Damnit, lady, I told you I paid for them. I have the frickin' receipt!" Blood pressure rising.)

"Well, I just wanted to be sure. You never know." DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT? DO I LOOK LIKE A FRAKIN' SHOE-NAPPER?

That was a half an hour I will never get back in my life!