Mum's Day

Once, a long time ago, I thought I was going to be a mommy. It was a false alarm. Turns out, I might not be able to have children (even if I had a willing partner). Most days it doesn't bother me. I'm ok with it. There was a time that all I wanted was a ton of kids, but after teaching for a while...that has passed (dark humor is good). It does bother me when my co-workers bring in the youngsters to visit. Seeing them up close makes me wonder. Then, the past couple of days, cashiers have felt the need to wish me a happy mother's day. So, yesterday when it happened I had just bought a truckload of flowers for my mom. As the tears welled up in my eyes on the way to the car, I looked at the flowers and wondered what it would be like to be called mom. I wondered what it was like to love something so much it hurt, because kids always hurt their parents, yet their parents always forgive. I wondered what it would be like to hear a little voice say, "I love you, mommy." I remember writing that on the landing of our steps from the upstairs of our house to the downstairs, when I was little, where my mom could see it. I didn't grow up in a home where you said those things, but me, wanting so much to have her know I did, wrote it...a lot. I used to make her burnt toast and really bad coffee some saturdays. She's eaten a lot of burnt toast and bad coffee in a metaphorical sense over the years. There is a lot of "hard" stuff between me and my mom. But she's my mom. So today, my mom ever aware of what a really bad week this was for me, without me having to explain exactly in full detail and without her even knowing everything that is bothering me (there are things we don't talk about...well a lot of things), decided that I should have a mother's day. So she did this to tell me she loves me. She knows I can be boiled down to two things: chocolate and music... Heh...my mom bought me Lynyrd Skynyrd.