Get yer headlines!!!!

"'Green Sex' Promoted to help Protect the Environment": Kermit the frog is said to be very excited!

"LIBEL: Restaurant Lawsuit Against Critic Who Called Steak 'Tough and Fatty'": I'm tough and fatty and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Doesn't fatty = flavor? Just sayin'.

"Denver Unveils Parking Meters for Homeless": Now they must beg for quarters and sleep in shifts.

"Wired Iraqi man questioned at L.A. airport; object found in body cavity search": Given one-way ticket to San Francisco.

"Scientists study Earth's missing crust": Rosie, hearing that the Earth has a crust, mistakes it for apple pie and takes a big bite.

"The World's Most Explosive Tongue": How'd my secret get out? Hey...a little self-promotion isn't bad, though, right? Did I ever mention that I have a slight lisp because my tongue is too long for my mouth (just a little too long)?

"Scientists find distinct 'dialects' in whale singing": Rosie seems to be fluent in all of them.

"More than 30 Vermont towns seek to impeach Bush": The proof that maple syrup rots the brain, frickin' hairy hippies.

"Turkish court orders YouTube blocked": RT Tube, however, can never be contained!!! Buuuhhahwhahahwhwhwahwh!

"Warning: Don't spam this Scot": Just in case you were thinking of it...don't do it! I'll kick your arse!

"Rare Mekong dolphin making a comeback": Von is very excited and is booking his flight.

"Meat-loving calf eats chickens": The calf is just following the marketing campaign of Chic-Fil-A.

"Catfish assault reported at Tenn. diner": For the love of God! Why are people beating up fish? What's next? Giving hushpuppies a curb-job? Dang.

"Cops: Groom hit his bride with car": He was just trying to get the sickness and 'til death do us part section of the vows out of the way.